The Return of the Wetsuit

Seems the wetsuit was hanging right there in the closet all along. And this week it stepped out, loud and proud.

Undeterred by decades of falling crime rates ("Statistics: we don't need no stinking statistics"), Treasury Board Secretary Stockwell Day announced the deficit-strapped federal government was spending $9.5 billion -- that's with a "b" -- on new prisons for -- wait for it -- imaginary prisoners!

Seems he believes a lot of crimes go unreported (he's probably right, especially if stupidity in elected officials is a crime), but he declined to elaborate on how the theoretical criminals would be apprehended and convicted so they could be put in the brand, spanking new fantasy Club Feds.

Seems to me Stock could be on to something though. I mean, the original price tag for the G8/20 summit ballooned from $179 million to $1.2 billion (there's that "b" word again), and what happened? The hooligans were given free rein to burn police cars while the police arrested hundreds of innocent people and then released them without charge.

So if the Conservatives are looking for ways to waste a few more billions of our tax dollars, I have some helpful suggestions.

1. Not just crime is down: so are auto sales. So let's build roads! We could call them Harper Highways: they'd have only right lanes, all their bridges would be burned, and every one would be a dead-end.

2. Communism may be dead, but there's still Cuba and North Korea and that pesky Al Qaeda to worry about. We could blow $16 billion (I know) on new fighter jets. That ought to deter them. What? We're already doing that? Damn, you can't even make this stuff up.

3. OK, I got a good one: how about we gut next year's census so the information is totally worthless, and -- this is the best part -- it will actually cost $30 million more! You're kidding. This is harder than I thought.

4. I know, we'll build an artificial lake, see, and... Oh, for cryin' out loud!

5. All right then, how about this: a national program to detect and treat scurvy. You know, that scourge of all true Canadians; it's right there in the history books. You can look it up. A few billion ought to suffice to establish a national network of treatment centres to feed patients a diet rich in Alberta beef. Unnecessary? Won't work, you say? Obviously you're not a Conservative. Medical science (and all other science) be damned; trust your gut. Stephen Harper told us to.

I'm sure you have ideas of your own. Write or email the P.M. or your M.P. Tell them you'd like to get in on the fun.