Be Afraid

Be afraid, boys and girls. Be very afraid.

There's a very bad man out there and he's trying to hurt you. He wants to call you names, give you a wedgie, and steal your lunch money.

His name is Iggy, and he's the snaggle-toothed brother of Emmanuel Goldstein and first cousin to the devil himself.

I know, because our Dear Leader, Stephen Harper, and the Ministry of Truth have taken to the airwaves to warn us.

The dastardly Iggy wants to (gasp) form a coalition.

No, no, not a good coalition like the one between the Reform Party and the Progressive Conservative Party.

A wicked, evil, un-Canadian coalition like the ones in Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and all those other funny, foreign countries. You know, the kind of treasonous coalition where different parties in Parliament conspire together to represent the 65% of Canadians who voted for them.

But coalition-forming isn't the end of Iggy's diabolical plotting. He's also refusing to borrow money so big corporations can have the tax breaks they deserve. But if big business doesn't get lower taxes, how can they afford to pay their CEO's the millions they're entitled to? Or create the jobs they promise with every tax cut, but never seem to deliver because the tax cuts are never large enough?

It gets worse. Iggy wants the government to listen to police chiefs and enforce the law that requires owners of long guns to register them. Are we supposed to treat guns like cars? What is he, some kind of cop-loving, law and order nut?

What other sick, twisted plans does Iggy have up his sleeve? Balanced budgets and pharmacare? Pension reform and an accurate census? Clean air and medicare? Has the man no shame?

But sleep soundly, boys and girls, for our Dear Leader is hard at work, ever vigilant, poised to foil Iggy's evil schemes. Just vote for him and you need never fear any of them will come to pass.