Black is Back

Mr. 500 Words likes to think of himself as enlightened, socially progressive, compassionate. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm just a big softie.

So I can't tell you how delighted I am to see Conrad Black back in Toronto.

I mean, given all Stephen Harper's talk about being tough on crime and criminals, I was just floored when he rolled out the red and white welcome mat for the foreign felon before he was even released from his Florida prison cell.

And while I'm heaping praise on the P.M. for his big-heartedness, let me give a big shout out to the rich folks of Toronto's Bridle Path neighbourhood. No NIMBYism here: just a warm welcome for a humble ex-con to his Park Lane Circle halfway house.

Makes me proud to a Canadian. And I bet it makes you proud too, Con (I can call you "Con", right? Or do you prefer "Blackie"?).

So I, too, want to do my part and help you adjust to life on the outside.

They say prison changes a man, but Toronto has changed, too, in the five years you've been away, and if you're going to survive these mean streets, you're going to have to know the score.

First of all, there's a new mayor, guy named Ford, and he makes Mel Lastman look like Winston Churchill. I know you used to work for a newspaper, so the thing you need to know about Ford is, he hates reporters. But you have a car, so you should be OK. Oh, one more thing: if you're walking in the park and a big, angry guy runs up to you and tells you to drop your phone, just do it, OK?

Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors? Well don't even walk with them in Toronto. The cops might shoot you. Seriously, man. And while you're at, get rid of the prison blues and orange jumpsuits; they look too much like hospital gowns.

And depending on who's in town, you might want to avoid large (or even small gatherings) downtown. Find other ways to occupy your time. And for heaven's sake, leave the bubble pipe at home. I'll explain later.

So, Con, even though you're down to your last $80 million and a handful of mansions, I want you to know you still have friends.

Good luck, dude.

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