How to Tell if You’re Turning into a Conservative

None of us, as the saying goes, is getting any younger, and if like me, you find yourself occasionally forgetting names or standing in the upstairs hallway wondering what it was you came looking for, well don't worry: scientists assure us that's just part of the normal aging process.

If however, you find yourself watching more CTV and less CBC, or thinking to yourself, "My, that young Harper boy has such nice eyes," you might be displaying the early warning signs of a far more serious condition. You might be turning into a (shudder) Conservative.

So with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I present the following simple test.

• If you prefer donuts to diplomats, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you believe 33% of anything is a majority, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you've ever had to beg a woman to rescue you from a coalition, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you think an economic action plan should be mostly for sign makers, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you like your gun long and your census short, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you're for law and order but against police chiefs, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you hide behind our troops instead of standing up for them, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you can't land at your own airbase in the Middle East, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you've ever backed down from a fight with a guy who drinks pink wine, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you're for human rights in China but not Toronto, you might be a Conservative.
  

If you answered "yes" to more than five of the preceding statements, talk to your doctor. Help is available.

Treatment generally takes the form of re-learning a few basic skills: thinking for yourself, but not just of yourself. You'll be back to normal in no time.