Judging by the response to my post of October 16, many of you are concerned that you might be turning into Conservatives. As I pointed out, this is a potentially serious condition that can result in hardening of the arteries leading to the brain, so you shouldn't ignore the warning signs. But neither do I want you to become unnecessarily alarmed: after all, if you're reading this blog, you've already taken the first step on the road to good mental health.
But just in case you require more reassurance, I thought I'd provide the answers to some frequently asked questions sent to me by faithful blog readers.
Q: My forehead is getting bigger. Is that a sign I'm turning into a Conservative?
A: That depends. You might be thinking more, resulting in your brain growing larger. In which case, you're fine. But if your forehead is swollen because you keep smacking it and saying, "D'oh!" you might be turning into a Conservative.
Q: I'm planning a European vacation for next summer and don't want people to mistake me for an American. What should I do?
A: Sew a Portuguese flag patch on your backpack.
Q: I like to watch Hockey Night in Canada. I take all the usual precautions during Coach's Corner: I mute the volume and wear welder's goggles, but still I'm worried I might turn into a Conservative.
A: If you're watching the Leafs, I can't help you.
Q: The Conservatives say they'll cut taxes, but not services, and eliminate the deficit too. This sounds pretty good to me.
A: Run, don't walk, to your nearest elementary school and enrol in a remedial Grade 1 arithmetic class.
Q: Tim Hudak was for the HST before Dalton McGuinty enacted it. Now he's against it, but won't scrap it if he becomes premier. I'm confused.
A: So is Tim Hudak.
Q: I don't see what's so bad about shutting down Parliament, or using the unelected Senate to override decisions of elected MP's. Does that make me a Conservative?
A: Either a Conservative or an ayatollah.
Q: Thank you Mr. 5oo Words for helping keep us safe from creeping Conservatism.
A: No need to thank me; I'm merely performing a public service.
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