Fox Noise North

Yesterday, Quebecor Media announced that it would be launching a right-wing news channel, Sun News, already being dubbed "Fox News North".

Promising "hard" news during the day, and "straight" talk at night, Quebecor's channel is expected to join other right-wing broadcasters such as CTV, Global, and Rogers, all hoping to grab a piece of the lucrative erectile dysfunction advertising dollar.

Details are still sketchy at this point, but Give Me 500 Words has obtained an outline of Sun News' tentative program lineup:

Liberals Make Me Puke!

Law and Order

Are You Smarter Than a First Grader?

Law and Order

Alberta's Got Talent

Law and Order

The O'Leary & O'Leary Exchange

Law and Order

The Good Wife (Belongs at Home)

Law and Order

Why Don't You Learn English?

Law and Order

Two and a Half Tier Health Care

Law and Order

Support Our Troops -- Or Else!

Law and Order

Cut My Taxes!

One media analyst expressed concern that Canada's supply of exclamation points, never very large, might be depleted by the new channel. Sources at Quebecor, however, assured investors that a steady supply could be imported from the U.S.

"We realize that Conservative voters make up only a third of the electorate," stated a Quebecor spokesperson, "but we feel they will welcome yet another right-wing cheerleader. After all, they need to be screamed at regularly by angry white men in suits if they're going to be able to successfully ignore reality. We only hope to be as respected and financially successful as the National Post."

Mike Harris, Ph.D'Oh!

I see where the Ontario Teachers Federation has its knickers in a knot over Nipissing University's decision to award Mike Harris an honourary degree. The very idea has them so unhinged, they've threatened to take out their pique on teacher candidates from Nip U.'s education program.

I say these poor kids have suffered enough. Bad enough their school years were blighted by Mike's "reforms", but now they've got to carry the stigma all their lives of having graduated from an alma mater that granted him an honourary degree. Oh, the Humanities!

Anyway, this isn't a first for Nipissing.

Remember when their Womens' Studies program granted an honourary PHD (Professional Horn Dog) to Tiger Woods for his efforts to assist nocturnal hospitality workers?

And when the English Department recognized Sarah Palin, for "her impassioned eloquence, that speaks to all that's best in Nipissing", well, no one made a peep.

Of course, there was that minor flap over who was going to give the convocation address to the Business School, Conrad Black or Bernie Madoff. That turned out for the best though, as scheduling conflicts meant neither gentleman could attend, and BP CEO Tony Hayward was able to fill in at the last minute.

So to the Ontario Teachers Federation, I say lay off Nipissing, and lay off Mike. This is his one chance to get a degree.

And to all you Nipissing grads readying your commencement outfits, remember: the eye holes go on the front, and paper, not plastic.

Not a Pina Colada Recipe

Who doesn't like fresh pineapple? Its sweet-slightly tart flavour is naturally refreshing. Suggestive of tropical beaches and relaxation, it's a perfect flavour for a summer cocktail. But, while there have always been canned juices available, they taste, well, canned. And manually squeezing fresh pineapple to get juice for a cocktail is a messy, time-consuming, and not very productive business. I know; I've tried it. So the problem for us mixologists is, that unless you have a professional-quality juicer, getting good quality pineapple juice is difficult. That is, until now.

A few summers ago, President's Choice introduced a fresh, not from concentrate, pineapple juice. It comes in a 1.75L carton, and you'll find it in the refrigerated juice section, next to the orange juice. It's a great product.

Something that I really like about pineapple juice in a cocktail, besides the flavour, is that, when you shake it in a cocktail shaker with ice, it produces a layer of lighter-coloured foam on top of the drink, an effect I take advantage of in the following drink recipe.

You'll need a cocktail shaker for this one, as well as a shot glass with markings for accurate measuring of ingredients. Put about a cup of fresh ice in the shaker. I like to use store-bought ice because of its clarity, clean taste, and slow-melting properties. But if you have good water and an ice maker that produces good quality ice, use it.

Add 2 ounces of white rum and 1 ounce of Blue Curacao. Blue Curacao is much like triple sec. It's an orange-flavoured liqueur from the Caribbean island of the same name, but it's tinted blue, and is widely used to give colour to tropical-themed drinks. It's produced by several companies and is not very expensive. Then add 2 ounces of pineapple juice and a dash (about 1 tsp.) of fresh lemon or lime juice. The reason we need the lemon juice is because both the Blue Curacao and the pineapple juice are sweet and the lemon juice not only balances the sweetness a little, it also adds complexity and enhances all the other flavours.

Close your shaker and shake sharply for about 30 seconds. Shaking cocktails with ice does several important things. It thoroughly mixes the ingredients, of course, as well as chilling the drink. (As a general rule, shake until the outside of the shaker is covered in condensation.) Also, some of the ice melts, diluting the alcoholic strength, which smooths the flavour. And in the case of this drink, which contains pineapple juice, it creates that layer of foam I mentioned.

Strain into a martini or margarita-style glass. You'll notice the drink is a beautiful turquoise with the lighter-coloured foam floating on the top.

I call this cocktail the Aphrodite in honour of the Greek goddess of love, who was said to have been born of the sea foam. You, too, may find it inspires thoughts of the sea, or even of love.

Well, I've Never Been to Spain...

Well I've never been to Spain, but I kinda like the sangria.

In Spain, they have a lot of red wine. They also have very hot summers. And they've found a way for the two to live in harmony. It's called sangria, or Spanish for "bloodletting". Not very appetizing sounding, but trust me, it tastes a lot better than it sounds.

It's a wine punch, consisting of dry red wine, chopped or sliced fruit, a sweetener, a little liquor, and in most cases, ice and/or a carbonated beverage. From that basic recipe there are limitless possibilities, including sangrias made with white or rose wines. So you get the idea: nearly anything goes.

I've experimented the last few summers and have come up with a recipe that suits my tastes, so if you come to my house, here's what you'll drink.

You'll need a large pitcher capable of holding at least two litres. Wash a lime, a lemon, and an orange really well and dry thoroughly. Slice them thinly, and if they're large, cut the slices in half. Again, if they're large, I use only half of each fruit. Put the sliced fruit in the pitcher and add two ounces of triple sec (an orange-flavoured liqueur). This provides both the sweetness and the liquor parts of the recipe.

Then pour in a 750 mL bottle of dry, red wine. Stay away from heavy, oaky reds; you want something lighter-bodied and fruity. You also want something cheap. After all, you're adding lemon slices to it, so don't waste an expensive vintage. Despite sangria's Spanish origins, I use an Italian red, Farnese Sangiovese. That's partly because I don't know much about Spanish wines, but the Farnese is also ideal for the reasons I mentioned: it's lighter-bodied and fruity, and it costs only $7.50 a bottle, less if you buy the 1.5L size. Give everything a good stirring.

Put the pitcher (which now contains fruit, liqueur, and wine) in the fridge for several hours. When ready to serve, add two cans (about 710mL) of ginger ale. Serve in large wine glasses over a little ice and enjoy. It makes a refreshing backyard aperitif, since the alcohol content is about half that of wine alone.

There are all sorts of variations. As I mentioned, you can use white or rose wines. You might then use summer fruits like strawberries or peaches. And instead of triple sec, you can try Grand Marnier, or brandy (particularly if the wine is off-dry). You can use Sprite or Seven-Up, which tend to be sweeter than ginger ale, or club soda or sparkling water for a drier taste. It's up to you and whatever your tastes are.

Don't be afraid to experiment: if it's not exactly to your liking, you'll no doubt drink it anyway (I always did), and you'll get closer to your ideal sangria with each attempt. Salud!

I'm Spending the Summer in Margaritaville

Enough about taxes and the various inanities, iniquities, and inequities of modern life. Summer has come early to southern Ontario, and as is traditional in these parts, that means all discussion of serious topics is hereby suspended until after Labour Day.

And there's no better way to slip the brain into neutral than with a cooling beverage (or two). Since I retired, I've applied myself diligently to mastering the art of the cocktail. I've gotten pretty good at it too. So as a public service, I'm going to share a few tips and a few recipes over the next few weeks.

Let's begin with the Margarita. One of the classic principles of cocktail construction is the formula sweet + sour + strong. Not all cocktails are made this way, but many are, and this is a good basis for creating your own original drinks. The Margarita follows this classic pattern.

The sweet comes from triple sec, an orange-flavoured liqueur that is a bar staple. The sour is contributed by lime juice, and the strong component is the tequila.

The quality of ingredients will make a big difference to the taste of your drink. Do not, I repeat, do not use powered or prepared mixes. They are full of artificial colours and flavours, and citric and other acids. I suggest buying a can of Minute Maid Limeade concentrate. It consists of lime juice and sugar and is reasonably priced -- about $1.29. The mixing directions call for adding 4 cans of water. Ignore this. Add only 2 cans, otherwise your drink will be too diluted when you add ice. This is still too sweet for your Margarita though, so also add 4 ounces of fresh-squeezed lime juice (about 3 limes). You now have about 40 ounces of a sweet/tart natural Margarita mix that costs a lot less than the commercial mixes.

Some people like salt on the rim of their Margarita; some prefer it without. It's up to you. Some like theirs frozen; some prefer theirs on the rocks. It's up to you.

To make one Margarita: combine half an ounce of triple sec, one and a half ounces of tequila, and three or four ounces of the limeade mix. Blend with a cup of crushed ice for a frozen Margarita, or serve over ice. Enjoy!

To make a pitcher that will serve eight, mix four ounces triple sec, twelve ounces tequila, and about thirty ounces of the limeade mix.

You can take your Margaritas to a higher level with premium ingredients and the taste is well worth it. Instead of triple sec, try using Grand Marnier, an orange-flavoured, brandy-based liqueur. It's expensive, but adds a mellow smoothness to your drink. And the quality of the tequila can also make a difference. Besides basic silver and gold (which has caramel colour added), there are reposada (rested), and anejo (aged) tequilas. The latter can be very expensive, but the middle level reposada tequila can be an affordable way to add depth of flavour to your Margarita. El Jimador Reposada is $32.95 at the LCBO, only a few dollars more than basic silver and gold tequilas.

So there's our cocktail to kick off the summer, and mixology lesson #1: use real fruit juices, fresh where possible. Cheers!