HUNTSVILLE -- A report released today by the Tazer Institute concludes that coffee beats education when it comes to helping voters make the right choice. Estimates of its effect ranged from a small regular trumping a community college diploma, to an extra large double-double besting a Ph.D.
Rumours had been circulating since the 2008 federal election, when pundits claimed that the Harper Conservatives' success at the polls was due to their appeal to "the Tim Hortons drinking" segment of the electorate.
Speculation increased late in 2009 when Harper was a no-show at the United Nations, instead touring the Tim Hortons Innovation Centre in Oakville.
Observers sensed something was brewing last week when Quebecor Media launched its Sun News channel, dubbed "Fox News North". Dressed in a $3,000 suit, Quebecor Media vice-president and former CBC pundit and communications director for Stephen Harper, Kory Teneycke, explained, "We will offer the type of raw debate Canadians only find today in coffee shops."
Speaking at a news conference held at the $2 million drive thru specially constructed to host the G8 summit here, a spokesperson for the Institute explained how it had arrived at its findings. "We simply counted the number of Don Cherry bobbleheads in pickup trucks idling in coffee shop drive thrus. The number was highest in Conservative ridings. It was a no brainer, really."
Strangely, the effect was not observed in those who consumed coffee drinks with names ending in "-ino". "They tend to live in cities and take public transit," he explained, "Need I say more?"
A representative of the Canadian Taxcutters Federation confirmed the Tazer Institute findings. When asked what his group's studies had shown, he stated, "We don't need no academic elites doing 'so-called' studies. We know we're right. It's just common sense."
No comments:
Post a Comment