Tory Torpedoes of Truth are Duds

Conservative supporters should ask for their money back.

I know Harper's people decided to "go rogue" right out of the gate in this campaign, smearing and fear-mongering left, um, centre, and centre; but so far the Tory torpedoes of truth have been duds.

Their latest TV spot, released Thursday, is still fixated on coalitions. This after an entire week when the other parties beat Stephen Harper over the head on the question of his hypocrisy in proposing just such a coalition with the NDP and Bloc when Paul Martin led a minority Liberal government.

Thanks for reminding us.

And then there's the radio spot. I suppose the intent is to make me recoil in horror at the very mention of the name Michael Ignatieff, but the visceral reaction just ain't there. What happens instead is this soundtrack starts up in my head, playing the ad back at itself. For instance:

"Fact: a vote for the Liberals is a vote for Michael Ignatieff." Uh, sure, OK, and let me guess, a vote for the Conservatives is a vote for Stephen Harper? No, no, don't tell me: a vote for the NDP, is a vote for Jack Layton, right? The Greens, just a minute, I know this one, uh, Elizabeth May? Boo-yah! High five!

See what I mean? Just not feeling the fear here, dudes. Not smelling the old blood in the water.

Or, "Michael Ignatieff, he didn't come back for you." Of course not; he doesn't even know me. Anyway, I suppose he came back (oh, about six years ago, now), because he wanted to be the target of personal attacks. Or maybe it was to get into politics. Maybe even become Liberal leader and run for the prime minister's job.

Just like Stephen Harper gave up his job as a mouthpiece for Alberta separatists because of his burning desire to transform the rest of Canada into his version of the American Dream.

I say tomato; you say to-mah-to.

At least Ignatieff had seen the rest of the world. Before he became prime minister, the Albertan from Etobicoke (Rob Ford and Stephen Harper; boy, does Etobicoke have a lot to answer for) hadn't been anywhere else except for a few trips to the U.S. so he could tell American hard-rightists how much Canada sucked.

So I've gotta say I'm a little disappointed. The Conservatives are definitely off their game; Harper is back on his heels. We've come to expect real top-quality nasty from these guys. Where's the stomach-churning vitriol? The puerile fratboy pranks? The bird poop? The making fun of facial paralysis?

Come on, guys; you can do worse. We're all counting on you.