I’ve Decided to Become a Conservative

I've reached a decision: I'm going to become a Conservative.

I've finally realized that all my complaining about, and ridiculing of, Conservatives has gained me nothing but a smug sense of superiority. And what's that worth? Squat. Nada. Bupkis.

Nope, the real money's in being a Conservative.

Just look at the examples of Larry Smith and Fabian Manning. Just because they were Conservatives, they got appointed to the Senate by Stephen Harper. Then they quit to run in the recent election, but lost. The voters may have rejected them, but not Stephen Harper: he put them right back in their Senate seats. Is this a great country (to be a Conservative in) or what?

Josée Verner is extra special. A Harper cabinet minister (that's why you never heard of her before) from Québec City, she lost in the election earlier this month. She received a $117,000 golden parachute to help tide her over, you know, until she could find a new job. Sort of a special EI program they have just for politicians. Anyway, you guessed it, last Wednesday, Josée got one of those Senate seats too. Pays a little over $132,000 a year.

Josée was unemployed for 16 days. I figure she got a little over $7,300 a day while she was out of work. No that's what I'm talkin'about.

See why I've decided to become a Conservative? And not just a regular Conservative, what the hey: I've decided to become a Senator.

I know a lot of you supported me last spring when I threw my hat in the ring to become the next governor-general. I would have gotten the gig too, except I picked a fight with Moses Znaimer. Believe me, you don't want to mess with that guy. He will bury you.

But the qualifications for being a senator are really low – in fact I'm probably over qualified, so I figure I'm a shoo-in this time. So please, tell Stephen Harper what a great Conservative Senator I'd make. And try to sound serious, OK?