Who’s Really to Blame for Toronto G20?

Nearly two years after the G20 fiasco in Toronto, two reports issued last week by Ontario's Office of the Independent Police Review Director concluded that several senior officers of the Toronto Police Service acted unlawfully. Their preparations for the event and the orders they gave during the weekend are being blamed for the abuses committed by some rank and file officers, including beatings, kettling, mass arrests, and the horrific conditions at the detention centre.

But the police should not be left to bear the blame alone. They were only following orders. And those orders came right from the top. It was Stephen Harper who decreed that the downtown core of Canada's largest city be turned into a war zone, at the cost of over a billion dollars, all for the sake of a photo op lasting a few hours.

Or was there more to it? Did Harper intend to send a message to Toronto? To Canadians? We'll never know his real motivation. But we do know we couldn't count on our other elected leaders to protect us from his premeditated and cold-blooded show of force: Dalton McGuinty's provincial government secretly aided and abetted the illegal suspension of civil liberties, while Toronto mayor, David Miller, congratulated the police on a job well done.

In what was this generation's version of the October Crisis/War Measures Act, "… the G20 was a demonstration of just how stupid, arrogant, and brutish official Canada has become." And Christopher Hume has much more to say in this scathing indictment of the politicians ultimately responsible.

One can argue that Trudeau panicked and overreacted (certainly, no good reason has ever been provided for his decision). But at least the FLQ were real terrorists. They had carried out bombings. They had kidnapped a Québec cabinet minister and a British diplomat. They would later murder the cabinet minister.

By comparison, the so-called Black Bloc are hooligans, their vandalism the same as that seen after a Stanley Cup game. But while the hooligans were allowed to smash windows and burn a police car, unmolested, in front of the TV cameras, 5400 police were deployed to violate the civil rights of thousands of law-abiding Canadians.

Certainly any police officers guilty of crimes or misconduct should be held responsible and suffer the consequences. But so should the politicians.

As Catherine Porter points out, during the G20, politicians and police trampled our rights and most of us just sat back and let them do it.

Always thought it couldn't happen here? Think again: it already has.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Black is Back

Mr. 500 Words likes to think of himself as enlightened, socially progressive, compassionate. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm just a big softie.

So I can't tell you how delighted I am to see Conrad Black back in Toronto.

I mean, given all Stephen Harper's talk about being tough on crime and criminals, I was just floored when he rolled out the red and white welcome mat for the foreign felon before he was even released from his Florida prison cell.

And while I'm heaping praise on the P.M. for his big-heartedness, let me give a big shout out to the rich folks of Toronto's Bridle Path neighbourhood. No NIMBYism here: just a warm welcome for a humble ex-con to his Park Lane Circle halfway house.

Makes me proud to a Canadian. And I bet it makes you proud too, Con (I can call you "Con", right? Or do you prefer "Blackie"?).

So I, too, want to do my part and help you adjust to life on the outside.

They say prison changes a man, but Toronto has changed, too, in the five years you've been away, and if you're going to survive these mean streets, you're going to have to know the score.

First of all, there's a new mayor, guy named Ford, and he makes Mel Lastman look like Winston Churchill. I know you used to work for a newspaper, so the thing you need to know about Ford is, he hates reporters. But you have a car, so you should be OK. Oh, one more thing: if you're walking in the park and a big, angry guy runs up to you and tells you to drop your phone, just do it, OK?

Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors? Well don't even walk with them in Toronto. The cops might shoot you. Seriously, man. And while you're at, get rid of the prison blues and orange jumpsuits; they look too much like hospital gowns.

And depending on who's in town, you might want to avoid large (or even small gatherings) downtown. Find other ways to occupy your time. And for heaven's sake, leave the bubble pipe at home. I'll explain later.

So, Con, even though you're down to your last $80 million and a handful of mansions, I want you to know you still have friends.

Good luck, dude.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Show Bev Oda Some Love

Living in Port Perry, I have the great good fortune to be a constituent of International Development Minister Bev Oda.

In case you've never had the pleasure of meeting Bev, let me assure you she's of a sunny disposition, a real salt of the earth, "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" kinda gal. In other words, just like us little folk.

So I was as surprised as anyone at these reports of her turning her nose up at the lowly 5-star hotel where her conference was being held, opting instead for the Savoy, favoured haunt of royalty and owned by a Saudi prince. Apparently, we were still on the hook for $287 for one night at the original hotel, as well as the three nights at the Savoy (at $685 a night) and nearly $3,000 for a limo to drive her back and forth for 3 days.

Like you, I figured this must be all some kind of misunderstanding. Perhaps her original room wasn't ready, or they lost her reservation. Maybe every taxi in London was in for service those three days. You know, the kind of thing we've all encountered while on holiday, the kind of thing that can really blow a hole in the old budget.

Speaking of budgets, we've just seen Stephen Harper's and we know austerity is the watchword of his government: old folks forced to wait 'til 67 to get a pension, food inspectors and border guards being fired, aid to the world's poorest people being slashed.

So I just knew that Bev wouldn't have wasted a nickel of our money; that would be just plain wrong. There had to be some reasonable explanation.

And then it hit me: Bev hasn't been reading my blog.

I can't really blame her. She's a busy person. She has a lot on her plate. Conferences to attend. Expense claims to fill out. And those $380 million in cuts at the Canadian International Development Agency that were in the budget? Well, they aren't gonna cut themselves.

But here's the thing: if Bev had been reading my blog on the first Thursday of each month, she would have known all about where to get the best deals on airfares, hotels, and car rentals. And how to maximize loyalty points and miles.

So whadya say, faithful blog readers, should we help Bev out?

If you'd like to show Bev some love, just copy this link to my latest post on points and miles: http://giveme5hundredwords.blogspot.ca/2012/01/points-and-miles-january.html and email it to Bev at: Oda.B@parl.gc.ca

You'll be doing us all a favour.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Plans for the Pen

The federal government announced yesterday that it was closing the 177-year old Kingston Penitentiary. Dating to 1835, the limestone fortress on the shores of Lake Ontario harkens back to the days of stone cells, the rule of silence, and the lash. And if the government wants to splash out billons on new prisons, closing the Kingston Pen is probably one of the better reasons for doing so.

But the Pen is also a major employer in the eastern Ontario city, and with Stephen Harper's government threatening to slash 20,000 workers from its payroll, prison staff are understandably anxious about their futures. However, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has promised there will be no job cuts, and if you can't believe Vic Toews, well who can you believe?

Still, 500 Words was curious, so I reached out to my sources deep inside the government who spoke on condition of anonymity and here are some of the future uses being considered by the Conservatives for Kingston's "little castle", situated on a scenic four hectares, a stone's throw from downtown.

The Tony Clement Palace of Porcelain. With the addition of a $500 million gazebo-like entrance, the old jail will be transformed into the world's largest (pay) toilet. And thanks to the new "streamlined" environmental approval process, the Peter Kent Big Poop Chute will carry the raw sewage straight to Lake Ontario. Bring the kiddies to see the seagulls flock right after lunch! Destined to become a top attraction.

The Jim Flaherty (Work)Home for the Aged. Concerned that you be won't be able to make ends meet while you wait until 67 to get your Old Age Security? You can stop worrying elderly Canadians! Choose from one of our luxurious NDP or Liberal suites. Rates will be reasonable. And the best part? The government won't have to spend a dime updating or renovating: the Pen is in move-in condition.

The Peter MacKay Four Seasons Vacation Resort. Boasting spectacular views of Lake Ontario, this upscale property offers the ultimate in luxurious relaxation for the busy cabinet minister looking to escape the challenges of basic arithmetic. And with CFB Kingston just across the water, you'll have VIP transportation at your fingertips 24/7.

Other uses under consideration include the Bev Oda Museum of Calligraphy ("not" to be missed), and the Lisa Raitt School of (Hard) Labour Relations (union leaders will find themselves comfortably "accommodated" under the watchful eyes of Queen's University MBA students).

But my sources confide that the Pen will likely be sold. Wal-Mart and Tim Horton's are said to be interested.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

The Harper Games

It's an annual ritual: a privileged elite in a distant capital exacts a terrible tribute from the oppressed citizens living in the far-flung districts of the nation. While the pretence of democracy is maintained, the majority seethes with discontent, but any opposition is dealt with harshly and swiftly. Resistance is futile.

Yes, it's the blockbuster everyone's talking about: The Harper Games.

• Tune in to see if Games Master Jim Flaherty can hit a deficit target on his eighth attempt!
  
• Thrill to the spectacle of starving seniors battling it out over tins of cat food in the arena!
  
• Watch in horror as environmental regulations are gutted!
  
• See rivers of blood flow at the CBC!
  
• Witness the axe fall on thousands of civil servants!
  

And every year, some fortunate group is selected for partial exemption from tribute: the buyers of bus passes, skating lessons, or cordless drills are just of few of the past winners. A favoured few may even have the Games Master or Harper himself come to their kitchen and appear on the video screens of the nation. Who will it be this year?

And this just in…

No surprise here really: it looks like the oil companies! Again! Let's hear it for the lucky winners!

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

I’ve Decided to Become a Conservative

I've reached a decision: I'm going to become a Conservative.

I've finally realized that all my complaining about, and ridiculing of, Conservatives has gained me nothing but a smug sense of superiority. And what's that worth? Squat. Nada. Bupkis.

Nope, the real money's in being a Conservative.

Just look at the examples of Larry Smith and Fabian Manning. Just because they were Conservatives, they got appointed to the Senate by Stephen Harper. Then they quit to run in the recent election, but lost. The voters may have rejected them, but not Stephen Harper: he put them right back in their Senate seats. Is this a great country (to be a Conservative in) or what?

Josée Verner is extra special. A Harper cabinet minister (that's why you never heard of her before) from Québec City, she lost in the election earlier this month. She received a $117,000 golden parachute to help tide her over, you know, until she could find a new job. Sort of a special EI program they have just for politicians. Anyway, you guessed it, last Wednesday, Josée got one of those Senate seats too. Pays a little over $132,000 a year.

Josée was unemployed for 16 days. I figure she got a little over $7,300 a day while she was out of work. No that's what I'm talkin'about.

See why I've decided to become a Conservative? And not just a regular Conservative, what the hey: I've decided to become a Senator.

I know a lot of you supported me last spring when I threw my hat in the ring to become the next governor-general. I would have gotten the gig too, except I picked a fight with Moses Znaimer. Believe me, you don't want to mess with that guy. He will bury you.

But the qualifications for being a senator are really low – in fact I'm probably over qualified, so I figure I'm a shoo-in this time. So please, tell Stephen Harper what a great Conservative Senator I'd make. And try to sound serious, OK?

OK, You Can Still Worry

In my previous post, I explained why I wasn't as pessimistic as some about the nation's prospects for the next four and half years. I said there were reasons to be hopeful: the Conservatives may prove incompetent in implementing their agenda, things don't always go according to plan, and public opinion can be a powerful brake on a reckless government.

Lest you get the impression I believe there's nothing to be concerned about, let me outline the dangers a Conservative majority government poses for Canada.

Conservative/conservative governments are generally harmful to – and occasionally disastrous for – a nation's finances and for the living standards of its poor, wage earners, and middle class. The U.S. has the examples of Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. In Canada there's the Mulroney and Harper record deficits, and at the provincial level the governments of Harris in Ontario, Lyon in Manitoba, and Devine in Saskatchewan. Taken all together their budget deficits add up into the trillions (hundreds of billions in Canada), while under their watches, all but the rich saw their incomes stagnate for the last thirty years.

Their tax cuts went mostly to corporations and the wealthy, while cuts to public services battered the rest of us. Meanwhile, government spending continued to rise, the money wasted on swollen military and security budgets, sweetheart "public-private partnerships" and privatizations, consultants and "contractors". Taxation has moved away from progressivity (i.e.: taxing income, at higher rates for the wealthy), placing a greater burden on the poor and wage earners through consumption taxes like the HST and reduced taxes on corporations, the rich, and investors. The Income Tax Act has come to resemble a Swiss cheese, shot full of tax breaks for special interest groups whose support conservatives wished to secure.

During the election campaign, Stephen Harper pledged to continue down this path: buying fighter planes, cutting corporate taxes, proposing tax-saving strategies for wealthy single-earner families, and doubling the amount of investment income that can be sheltered from tax in TFSA's. If implemented, these measures will both worsen the nation's finances (i.e.: increase the deficit) and increase social inequality by further privileging the wealthy.

In effect, like the Americans have been doing, we will be paying taxes and borrowing money to give it to the rich. The long-term consequences for our country will be much the same.

The Conservatives will talk about "cuts" as a way of balancing the budget. Cuts to programs and services have never balanced a budget. If they had, we would have been treated to a long string of Conservative surpluses. Cuts are simply code talk for ideological attacks on people and things Conservatives don't like: the poor, workers, women, natives, immigrants, equality, human rights. Government spends very little on these now; cutting them all wouldn't pay for one fighter plane. But cut they will be, while the billions paid annually in subsidies to oil companies making record profits in the tar sands will be left untouched.

Furthermore, don't expect The Harper Government™ to do anything – at least anything positive – about climate change or other environmental issues, or to restore Canada's tarnished reputation in the global community. But don't expect a frontal assault on public health care, either. The Conservatives can simply let two-tier health care emerge in the provinces by neglecting to enforce the Canada Health Act.

So despite the glimmers of hope, there are still plenty of reasons for pessimism. Consider what Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said in 2006 when presenting his first budget. Asked what he thought Canada would like after five years of a Conservative government, Flaherty replied: "It will look more like Ireland." By 2015, he could be right.

Who’s Afraid of Stephen Harper?

Maybe it's just my naturally sunny disposition, or maybe it's all those good meals I enjoyed in Niagara, but I can't bring myself to feel quite as pessimistic as some of my friends at the prospect of the next four and half years under the iron heel of a Stephen Harper majority government.

It's not that, with the Liberals circling the wagons and firing inward, and the NDP/NPD preoccupied with getting a handle on its new role, I expect we'll be saved by the opposition, at least not for a while.

No, my reasons for optimism that the Conservatives won't get things entirely their way have to do with the nature of the Conservatives themselves and that of their leader, and the differences between navigating a minority parliament and leading a majority government.

The Conservatives' DNA is still very much that of the old Reform-Alliance: outsiders suspicious of government to the point of paranoia, fiercely partisan practitioners of take-no-prisoners politics. While these traits served them well during the campaign, in opposition, and even as a minority government – when clawing for every tactical advantage was the daily cut and thrust – their greatest strengths may be their greatest weaknesses in their new role.

Because it's a different game now, and we'll have to wait and see how well the Conservatives and their leader can adapt to the new one. They must switch from attacking and dividing a fractured opposition that was frightened of triggering an election, to fulfilling the commitments they've made to the people who voted for them in the last four elections.

Managing those expectations won't be easy, because while a socially and economically conservative legislative program will please long-suffering Conservative supporters, it risks angering Canadians who were blissfully ignorant 'til now of Harper's so-called "secret agenda". Move too timidly, and you disappoint your base; move too boldly, and you risk a backlash.

The Conservatives will also have to restrain their attack dog instincts when it comes to the Liberals. There will be some who will want to finish off their old enemies, but it's actually in the Conservatives' best interests to leave the Liberals alone. A Liberal party that continues to attract 15-20% of the vote and wins 30-40 seats – in effect, fills the role left vacant by the NDP – ensures that the NDP can't win the 40% of the popular vote it would need to form the government.

In other words, just because he has a majority, doesn't mean it's clear sailing for Stephen Harper and his party. They will face the usual challenges all governments do, and for the first time in five years, be seen to be clearly in charge, and therefore, be held clearly responsible.

It's not that Harper and his governments have not made some serious mistakes in the past, but faced with an ineffective opposition, they avoided serious damage. Until now, the Conservatives' chief talents have lain in spreading blame and slinging mud, but they'll need a different skill set in order to govern effectively. It remains to be seen whether they possess it.

It’s Been One Week

The 2011 federal election campaign is barely a week old, and the big story is how badly (in the double sense) Stephen Harper has performed.

Harper kicked off the campaign by attacking his main rival, Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff, claiming Ignatieff would form a coalition with the NDP and the Bloc Québecois, even if the Conservatives won a plurality of seats. Ignatieff promptly disavowed any such intention, but Harper kept, um, harping, on the subject.

When confronted with the letter to the Governor-General that, along with Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe, he had signed in 2004, Harper denied that it was intended to propose a coalition as an alternative to the Paul Martin Liberal minority government. I referenced that letter in a previous post. You can read what Harper had to say on that occasion and be the judge of his intentions then and whether he's being truthful now.

This isn't the first time Harper has "reinterpreted" an earlier position. There was the essay in which he called Canada a "second-tier, socialistic country" back in 2000, and the infamous "firewall" letter of 2001. Understandably, he doesn't talk (openly) like that today, which is what fuels talk of his "secret" agenda.

So, OK, against Canada in 2000; in 2011, "Canadians first and only". In 2004, in favour of a coalition with "socialists and separatists"; in 2011, agin' 'em.

But Harper has set a new personal best for reversals, and lying about them, with this week's flip-flop on one-on-one debates: on Wednesday, he was issuing challenges; by Thursday, he was chickening out. Which led Maclean's blogger Scott Feschuk to dub the Conservative campaign plane "Chicken Wings". This one could stick around to haunt Harper: people can't always tell a liar, but they sure know a coward when they see one.

Harper's big campaign promise of the week landed with a giant thud. The offer to let select – only 13% would qualify, and only the richest would benefit – families income split to save on taxes had a couple of big ifs and whens attached: if and when he gets re-elected (twice), and if and when he eliminates the deficit. Voters can probably figure out for themselves whether the guy who managed to turn an inherited $14 billion surplus into a deficit of $55 billion is likely to ever balance the budget, especially after the corporations get their tax cut, and the jets and jails get paid for. Maybe Finance Minister Jim Flaherty, as a former Mike Harris operative, can explain to Harper the effect tax cuts have in creating permanent "structural" deficits.

Now it's revealed that Harper has alienated the media following him by restricting them to five questions a day: two in French, two in English, and one from a local reporter. And there'll be no questions about ethics allowed. That oughta keep the press conferences short.

It's still early in the campaign, of course, and voters may not yet be paying attention; or Harper and the Conservatives may yet find their feet; but it will be interesting to see what the polls reveal about the effect of the first week's gaffes.

Party Politics

This election driving you to drink? Yeah, me too.

I tried the Coalition Drinking Game the other night. Every time the word "coalition" was mentioned, I took a drink. The last thing I remember, Peter Mansbridge was talking about an airstrike in Libya.

Anyway, I don't think it's fair that the politicians should have all the fun, and burger polls are so 2008, so let's put the party into party politics with Political Cocktails 2011.

For you Conservatives, we have the Jets and Jails Julep. Start with 1½ ounces of Alberta rye whisky (what else). Add a dash of day-old Tim Hortons coffee, black, to give it that bitter edge. In keeping with Stephen Harper's personality, the drink should be neither shaken nor stirred, but served over lots of ice. Makes one minority strength drink. Or try it majority strength: adding 3 more ounces of rye turns it into a Harper Hangover. But, be warned: try it and you'll be sorry.

Or, there's a Liberal libation called the True Grit for those in the mushy middle. You say you're not sure what's in it? Doesn't matter; you can put whatever you like into this drink and change the ingredients to suit your mood and the occasion. Just be sure to use a muddler (you do have a muddler, don't you?), so everything gets thoroughly, well, muddled. Usually served on the rocks.

How about a You Don't Know Jack? Everyone says this one sounds great, but few people are willing to try it. Its fans prefer it straight up.

Available only in Québec, the Bloc Buster is one distinctly differently cocktail. In a tall glass combine 1 ounce pique, 1 ounce insouciance, and a dash of je ne sais crois. Gilles Duceppe finds this one great for washing away the taste of humiliation every time he demands another tanker load of money from the rest of the country.

Green Party supporters can try the May-be Someday. To an ounce of wheat grass juice, add 4 ounces of water from a melting glacier. But since it doesn't contain any alcohol, I don't know why you'd bother.

Our first prime minister, John A. MacDonald was a noted drinker. One evening, while on the campaign trail, an over-refreshed MacDonald threw up on the platform. Responding to his opponent's scornful accusation of drunkenness, MacDonald told the audience, "I get sick sometimes not because of drink or any other cause, except that I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent."

I know how he felt.

Why You Hate Politicians

If you aren't already disgusted, or at least slightly disenchanted, with our political leaders after only a few days of Election 2011, you just haven't been paying attention.

The accusations, justifications, oversimplifications, obfuscations, and outright lies are enough to make any sentient being who loves this country despair.

How did we get to this sad point? I have a theory about that (or course). Or rather, I used to have a theory; recently I had to revise and expand it.

For the last few decades there's been a steady drumbeat, generally from the corporate-owned, right wing media, aimed at what I'll call the less sophisticated citizen. Or in their own demographic terms, the Tim Hortons Nation. The message goes like this: all politicians are the same – venal, corrupt, untrustworthy liars concerned only with their own perks and pensions.

This is, in fact, a favourite theme of Conservative politicians. Remember Mike Harris and his Fewer Politicians Act? We were all going to be better served if we elected fewer people to represent us. The Reform Party's disdain for MP's pensions, conveniently forgotten once they got elected, only served to reinforce their own stereotype.

But the corporate and financial elites know this is nonsense. They know politics and politicians matter. They just don't want you to think so. It's simply the law of supply and demand: once you're out of the market, they can get their pet politicians elected and they can buy them on the cheap.

So in time politics comes to be dominated by political waterboys – people whose entire careers have been in the service of the elites (google the resumés of Stephen Harper or Tim Hudak, for examples, though they're far from unique). Ever wonder why the right thing, the good thing, the sensible thing never seems to get done by government? Now you know.

A corollary to my theory is that once politics becomes dominated by these pet poodles, good people, people with a desire for seeing that the public good is served, stay away from politics. The problem continues to get worse.

That, as I say, was my original theory: we've been told politics is a load of crap and politicians are all crooks so that we'll stay away. That way, the elites and their right wing lackeys are allowed free rein. And that's what's happened over the last thirty years.

And with predictable results. Canadians are so estranged from their own public debate that a record low of only 58.8% of voters cast a ballot in the last federal election in 2008. The turnout is expected to be even lower this time. And this constitutes a very grave danger.

We have a prime minister, Stephen Harper, who has not only deliberately degraded the reputation of politics and politicians, but has also demonstrated flagrant contempt for the very principles and institutions of Canadian democracy.

I believe this is a deliberate strategy. Harper knows that Canada is not a conservative nation. His core constituency accounts for little more than a third of voters. But if he can rally his supporters with the kind of divisive issues that appeal to them, while turning off most of the rest of us, he could win a majority of seats in Parliament and accomplish his goal of transforming Canada in his own image.

So my theory boils down to this: If you're disgusted by the state of politics in this country, it's because you're supposed to be. If enough of us stop caring, and stay home on election day, Stephen Harper wins.

First Casualties

Truth is not only the first casualty of war, there's a great big bull's eye painted on its back during election campaigns as well.

The 2011 federal election campaign is only a few hours old, but already the baloney is being sliced thick and fast.

The Conservatives have been trying for a long time to demonize the idea of a coalition among the parties that represent the votes of nearly two-thirds of Canadians. Stephen Harper, in fact, kicked off his campaign by denying that he had been willing to enter into a coalition with the Bloc Québecois and New Democrats in 2004 when Paul Martin was Prime Minister. Here is the text of the letter that he, Gilles Duceppe, and Jack Layton sent to the Governor-General at the time. You be the judge.

He pretended to be gracious, retreating from his earlier position that a coalition would not be "legitimate" (he shut down Parliament to prevent the opposition parties from forming one in 2008). But, referring to the Bloc, he contended that it would not be "principled to have a party dedicated to the break up of our country having a hand in running the government."

He's onto to something here: Canadians outside Quebec are extremely uncomfortable with the notion of a coalition that includes the Bloc.

Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff promptly tried put the coalition issue to rest, going so far as to state, "We will not enter a coalition with other federalist parties."

In an election campaign, no one runs hoping to form a coalition. Both Harper and Ignatieff are hoping to gain a majority, but you can bet we haven't heard the last of coalitions from the Conservatives.

Another major theme of the Conservatives' campaign appears to be that the opposition is threatening the viability of the Canadian economy by defeating the government. They point to their stillborn budget as the blueprint that would have ensured prosperity for all.

But the Conservatives' own Economic Stimulus Program, on which they spent $26 million in public money to promote with an avalanche of advertising just this month, expires in five days. Their budget, a combination of corporate welfare aimed primarily at the big banks and oil companies and "boutique" tax cuts for select groups, was designed to push a few votes their way during the election campaign they knew it would provoke.

And in 2008, Harper was untroubled by the uncertainty an election would cause when he called an election just as the world economy was sliding into the Great Recession.

Canada survived that crisis better than most nations mainly because our banks (for once) didn't engage in the risky practices of their American and European counterparts, and because of the credibility of our central banker, Mark Carney. Harper and his finance minister, Jim Flaherty had to be forced kicking and screaming to adopt the Liberal and NDP measures that came to be called the Economic Stimulus Program.

Am I being more critical of Harper and the Conservatives than I am of the Liberals and NDP? Well, yes. But that's because Harper has a record in government for which he must be accountable. All we can do with Ignatieff and Layton is try to take their measure based on how credible they seem.

Harper would like you to ignore his record. That's why the Conservatives are trying so hard to smear their opponents. Hold on: this is going to be one dirty campaign.

In Other Words

This week may bring the fall of Stephen Harper's Conservative minority government and a possible federal general election in Canada. You can probably guess my opinion of the "Harper Government™". Here are some other voices.

"… Ignatieff, not a latter-day Nelson Mandela or Angela Merkel, is going to lead the Grits into the next election, whenever it comes. We owe it to ourselves finally to take him seriously."

"As Mr. Trudeau said when the press got on his case, 'Consider the alternative.' And so we thought of poor Bob Stanfield and Joe Clark. And Trudeau lost an election and won four, and served some 15 years as PM. As we should have given Harper his chance – and trust me, we've seen as good as it gets from this cold, mildly paranoid, mean-spirited and visionless man – the most viable alternative now deserves its chance."

"If Harper were kind and competent, there'd be no election talk." (David Olive, in his Everybody's Business blog for the Toronto Star)

"The Cons have laboured mightily to craft an Everyman persona for Stephen Harper. They've expended a few fortunes to convince you hockey rinks and Tim Hortons franchises are the summit of all Canuck wisdom — and it is Harper alone who loves it there.

Pardon me, but that's horsecrap. If anyone can produce a single undoctored photograph of Stephen Harper lined up for a double-double at a Tim Hortons prior to the 2004 election campaign, we'll happily post it in this space and issue the requisite mea culpa. But they can't. The Tim Hortons thing, like every other political affectation that preceded it, is the invention of boys in the backroom. It's BS. Ipso facto, he doesn't connect.

Ignatieff? To his credit, at least he doesn't pretend Timmys is the new Lourdes, with apparitions of Mackenzie King and Lester Pearson hovering above the doughnuts, imparting wisdom. He's John Kerry, and he knows it.

The question, then, isn't who will win the next election. It's this: Why is the choice between two men we feel don't know us, or even particularly like us?

Why is the choice between two men who don't connect?" (Warren Kinsella, in a column in the Ottawa Sun)

"While I guess while others may feel a bit squeamish about our PM ordering double-doubles and dipped donuts while the world, literally, moved on without him, I, for one, am grateful. The leader of our country has chosen to re-announce a three-month-old decision by a donut company instead of taking part in a conversation at the United Nations. In so doing, he's given me a whole bunch of fodder for research about how politicians see us now as shoppers/eaters now instead of educated citizens. Thanks, PM." (Susan Delacourt in her blog for the Toronto Star on the occasion of Stephen Harper passing up a United Nations conference to attend a Tim Hortons ribbon cutting)

Home of the Whopper

Many of you may not know this, but 500 Words enjoys the dubious distinction of being represented in the Canadian House of Commons by that Pinocchio of Parliament, Bev Oda.

Yep, the reality-challenged Minister (for now) of International Cooperation is the sitting member for the riding of Durham, which contains the township of Scugog (a name derived from the native Mississauga language, meaning "place of dirty snow banks"), which in turn nestles in its bosom, the idyllic burg of Port Perry.

True to its small town, Tory Ontario roots, Port Perry has a long tradition of electing Conservatives. And even with Oda's britches blazing brightly, that's not likely to change. Heck, the Conservatives could run an orangutan and it would win in Port Perry.

Now lest you think we're stupid, let me assure you we're not. For example, we may have the unfortunate tendency to vote in overwhelming numbers for politicians who like to slash health care, but we don't mean our health care. We mean somebody else's. Nothing draws a swarm of angry Port Perrians like a meeting about cuts to our local hospital. We get pretty riled if anyone threatens to mess with our schools, recreation facilities (especially ice rinks), or roads budget too. It's just that, like everybody else these days, we expect a tax cut as part of every federal, provincial, and municipal budget. Pretty clever, eh?

And we're certainly not dishonest either (or I suspect no more dishonest than most folks). Judging by the number of churches in town, you might even call us God-fearing. And that's where we part company with our commandment-busting MP.

Turns out this KAIROS organization she blackballed is made up of a bunch of Christian missionaries, for Pete's sake. You can look it up for yourself right here. Anglicans and Catholics and Presbyterians and Christian Reformed and United Church people. Just like we got here in Port Perry, going on missions to countries like Uganda and Honduras. And they're all working together, ecumenical-like, same as when we have the Good Friday walk, or the David Festival, or the World Day of Prayer.

So when our MP decides to bad mouth a bunch of Christian do-gooders and then tries to duck responsibility and lie about it, well it don't go down too well. Stephen Harper may think there's nothing wrong with that, but we know better. We know it's wrong. It's in the commandments, dude.

Valentine’s Day

It's Valentine's Day, a day to celebrate love in its many forms. A day for hugs and kisses, hearts and flowers, wine and chocolate.

Here at 500 Words World Headquarters, we're big believers in the holiday. And since the old song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love," we'd like to offer Valentine's Day wishes for "love, sweet love" where we think there's "just too little of" it.

To Bob and Doug, the hoser twins running Hogtown: make love, not war, on your city. Stop viewing Toronto as a speedbump on the road to your favourite steakhouse in Mississauga. C'mon guys, get outa the car: walk around Kensington Market, take in a play, visit the ROM or the AGO, ride the Rocket, sit on a patio.

To taxpayers: we wish you'd fall in love with the idea of being citizens. Stop expecting your taxes to constantly go down while whining that infrastructure is falling apart, services are declining, and politicians are all liars. Start paying attention. Vote. Need a role model? Look at the Middle East.

To politicians: show us some love. Start talking to us in sentences instead of bumper stickers. The problems are hard; the solutions can't be that simple.

To Conservative MP Steven Blaney: we hope you'll be a bit more loving. The Québec City-area MP wants to require veiled Muslim women to remove their face coverings before voting. We're happy to report he's not trying to force them to remove their veils before they vote by mail.

To Québec: we still love you, but hey, how about some amour for Sikhs? Québec's National Assembly recently passed (unanimously) a motion banning Sikhs from entering while carrying their kirpans, a ceremonial dagger. And now the Bloc Québécois says it wants to see the same rule apply on Parliament Hill, where a Liberal MP from Ontario, Navdeep Bains (Mississauga-Brampton South) wears a kirpan.

To America: thanks for loving us. Seems the most recent Gallup World Affairs poll found that Americans view Canada more favourably than any other country in the world. We know you love our Bieber, but what aboot our health care?

To Ontario Conservative Leader Tim "Mini-Mike" Hudak: thanks, but no thanks. You've had commitment issues with your platform for eighteen months. Then, finally, this week you promise buck-a-bottle beer? We've gotten drunk and let you have your way with us before. All we were left with were the hangover and the bitter regret. It's not even good beer.

To Stephen Harper, couldn't you at least fake it? Loving democracy, I mean. When word broke that the Egyptian people had chased Mubarak from office, you (who shut down Parliament, twice) passionately embraced the moment: "I think the old expression is: 'They're not going to put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one.'" Then your government rolled over and went to sleep.

To you, my readers: I hope that on Valentine's Day, you love and are loved.

Pyramid Power

Seeing the people of Egypt – young, old, rich, poor, men, women, Muslim, Christian – rise up against the dictator Mubarak, has captured the imagination of the world.

We sense we are witnessing one of those rare moments of historical transformation, akin to the fall of the Berlin Wall or the deposing of the Shah of Iran. It's too early, though, to tell which one the outcome will more resemble.

But here are some random reactions to events so far.

The popular uprising in Egypt, and the earlier one in Tunisia, has changed the Western world's view of Arabs. On our TV screens, we're being confronted with a challenge to the stereotype of fanatical "ragheads" screaming, "Death to America!" We're seeing people who look a lot like us crying out for dignity, freedom, and justice. Brave people we can admire.

Seems they don't hate our freedoms after all. Seems they just want some for themselves as well.

You don't need to invade their country to bring them democracy. They can do it themselves with Twitter and Facebook.

You sense the effect on Arabs themselves has been galvanizing. In gaining the respect of the world, they have reclaimed their own self-respect. The resulting surge in self-confidence could transform the Middle East not just politically, but economically and socially.

"Stability" is a euphemism for repression, not a synonym for democracy. Our fear of terrorism has led us to support the former instead of the later.

When F-16's roar over the crowd, we're reminded that totalitarian regimes throughout the Middle East are armed by the United States. (Hey, maybe that's why Stephen Harper wants those new jets.)

Speaking of Harper, his words of support for peaceful protestors in the streets of Cairo rings hollow, given his repression of protestors in the streets of Toronto.

Mubarak has to go. The U.S., the army, Egypt's wealthy can provide the push. Some interim leader acceptable to them as well as the people in the streets can hold the fort until elections in September. It's important, though, that a legal process be followed so that the new government has legitimacy and international recognition.

Israel can't be too happy. U.S.-sponsored "stability" ensured that client Arab states weren't actively hostile to Israel. If a popular democratic movement sweeps the Middle East, that is likely to change in some cases. Israel has shown in the past that it won't hesitate to react if it feels threatened.

A significant portion of global trade passes through the Suez Canal (in Egypt). And of course, the Middle East is a major oil producing region. Instability in the area will result in higher oil prices with the associated effects on the global economy.

There are always dangers present when the old order is swept away, but opportunities as well. Whatever the results of the current popular uprisings throughout the Middle East, they just may mark the beginning of an Arab Renaissance.

Be Afraid

Be afraid, boys and girls. Be very afraid.

There's a very bad man out there and he's trying to hurt you. He wants to call you names, give you a wedgie, and steal your lunch money.

His name is Iggy, and he's the snaggle-toothed brother of Emmanuel Goldstein and first cousin to the devil himself.

I know, because our Dear Leader, Stephen Harper, and the Ministry of Truth have taken to the airwaves to warn us.

The dastardly Iggy wants to (gasp) form a coalition.

No, no, not a good coalition like the one between the Reform Party and the Progressive Conservative Party.

A wicked, evil, un-Canadian coalition like the ones in Great Britain, Australia, New Zealand and all those other funny, foreign countries. You know, the kind of treasonous coalition where different parties in Parliament conspire together to represent the 65% of Canadians who voted for them.

But coalition-forming isn't the end of Iggy's diabolical plotting. He's also refusing to borrow money so big corporations can have the tax breaks they deserve. But if big business doesn't get lower taxes, how can they afford to pay their CEO's the millions they're entitled to? Or create the jobs they promise with every tax cut, but never seem to deliver because the tax cuts are never large enough?

It gets worse. Iggy wants the government to listen to police chiefs and enforce the law that requires owners of long guns to register them. Are we supposed to treat guns like cars? What is he, some kind of cop-loving, law and order nut?

What other sick, twisted plans does Iggy have up his sleeve? Balanced budgets and pharmacare? Pension reform and an accurate census? Clean air and medicare? Has the man no shame?

But sleep soundly, boys and girls, for our Dear Leader is hard at work, ever vigilant, poised to foil Iggy's evil schemes. Just vote for him and you need never fear any of them will come to pass.

Getting My Groove Back

Some of you have remarked that I didn't maintain my usual blogging pace during the month of December. Perhaps you thought that, full of the good cheer of the season, I was inclined to go easy on the usual suspects. And while I won't deny that I freely partook of cheer over the holidays, there was a darker reason for my silence.

I have to admit that I was temporarily thrown off my game.

In my last post before Christmas, I confessed how I couldn't possibly make up anything more outrageous than Don Cherry's histrionics at Rob Ford's coronation or Bill Blair's gyrations over his involvement in the G20 civil rights abuses.

And then came the video images of Stephen Harper rocking out at the Tory caucus Christmas party. Crooning John Lennon's Imagine. Thumping out the Guess Who's Share the Land at the piano. Belting out the Stones' Jumpin' Jack Flash.

I was rendered speechless (and blogless).

For weeks afterward, I'd awake in a cold sweat. I couldn't shake the images: Tony Clement and Bev Oda getting their funk on, John Baird after a couple of ryes, Peter McKay lurking under the mistletoe.

I suspect I had a case of PTSD: Post Tory Seasonal Distemper.

But time, as they say, heals all wounds, and I have Rob Ford of all people to thank for taking my mind off these ghosts of Christmas just past.

Because this week I found myself pondering the meaning of gravy. Gravy, as in the trainloads Rob Ford claimed was in the Toronto city budget. It is, I suspect, one of those right-wing code words. Like Marie Antoinette's cake, gravy is what most people depend on for a decent life for themselves and their families. Gravy is libraries and swimming pools and social services and public housing and skating rinks and transit and after school programs and community centres. If you're a bus driver, garbage collector, or daycare worker, gravy is a living wage.

And that got me pondering the strange mental processes of Rob Ford and his allies. Fer instance: as a cure for traffic congestion on Toronto's streets, Ford eliminated the vehicle registration tax and proposed a transit fare hike and the cutting of bus routes. Seems all those cars aren't the problem, it's the buses, streetcars, and subway trains clogging the roads.

And then, only twenty-four hours later, even as I write this, it seems some magical gravy has been found and the fare increase has been called off.

Bait and switch? Cold feet? Confusion in the ranks? A sinister conspiracy?

It's good to be back to normal. In fact it's a gas.

I Can’t Make This Stuff Up

Sometimes I make stuff up. You know, like Conservatives standing up for democracy and human rights (November 29 post) or Tony Clement being a superhero (October 11 post).

But lately it's been getting harder. I mean, how do you compete with stuff like this?

Fer instance:

The newly-elected millionaire mayor of Toronto invites a millionaire TV sports celebrity who lives in another city to officially inaugurate him. The millionaire media celeb (who derives most of his income from performing his schtik on the public network) agrees, saying "People are sick of the elites and artsy people running the show. It's time for some lunch pail, blue-collar people."

In his inaugural speech, the newly-elected mayor calls on all councillors to work together. The visiting, celebrity (but apparently non-elite) millionaire, opines (while wearing a pink jacket) that pinkos "ride bicycles and everything." He then insults various members of council, calling them "left-wing kooks".

The newly-elected mayor declares, "The war on the car" is over, and moves to kill public transit projects underway. The elites will now have to drive, just like Joe Lunchpail.

Elected on a platform of fiscal responsibility, the mayor's move wastes $130 million already spent and risks incurring financial penalties for reneging on $1.3 billion in contracts already signed and machinery already purchased.

The mayor announces a tax freeze, abolition of the vehicle registration tax (costing $64 million), and his plan to hire 100 more police officers.

The mayor promises to balance the budget without cutting programs. He gets rid of free coffee for councillors. He also plans to cut their office budgets by $20K. Combined, the savings add up to a few hundred thousand.

The new mayor is reported to have a campaign debt of $650,000.

The visiting millionaire TV celebrity predicts the new mayor will be "the greatest mayor this city has ever seen."

Ninety-one Toronto police officers are fined a day's pay for removing their names tags so they couldn't be identified while beating peaceful protesters during the G20. That should eat up a chunk of their overtime.

Toronto police chief Bill Blair attacks the victim of one particularly vicious assault by police, as well as the provincial Special Investigations Unit. He then apologizes. Sort of.

Ontario ombudsman, Andre Marin, in his report on the infamous five metre law, calls it illegal and unconstitutional. It was used to harass, interrogate, and detain without charge thousands of people. Marin says it was requested by Blair. Blair says he regrets not explaining things better.

So far Blair still has his job. No police officers face charges or discipline over the acts of brutality.

Unlike some of his officers, Blair is a stickler when it comes to protecting the rights of the accused -- accused police officer, that is. He explains the delay in identifying the culprits and holding them accountable is because he has to follow procedures to the letter.

Federal auditor general Sheila Fraser finds that the ethics commissioner appointed by Stephen Harper acted unethically toward her staff.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

How to Tell if You’re Turning into a Conservative

None of us, as the saying goes, is getting any younger, and if like me, you find yourself occasionally forgetting names or standing in the upstairs hallway wondering what it was you came looking for, well don't worry: scientists assure us that's just part of the normal aging process.

If however, you find yourself watching more CTV and less CBC, or thinking to yourself, "My, that young Harper boy has such nice eyes," you might be displaying the early warning signs of a far more serious condition. You might be turning into a (shudder) Conservative.

So with apologies to Jeff Foxworthy, I present the following simple test.

• If you prefer donuts to diplomats, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you believe 33% of anything is a majority, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you've ever had to beg a woman to rescue you from a coalition, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you think an economic action plan should be mostly for sign makers, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you like your gun long and your census short, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you're for law and order but against police chiefs, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you hide behind our troops instead of standing up for them, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you can't land at your own airbase in the Middle East, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you've ever backed down from a fight with a guy who drinks pink wine, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you're for human rights in China but not Toronto, you might be a Conservative.
  

If you answered "yes" to more than five of the preceding statements, talk to your doctor. Help is available.

Treatment generally takes the form of re-learning a few basic skills: thinking for yourself, but not just of yourself. You'll be back to normal in no time.