Coffee: The Right Drink for Canada?

HUNTSVILLE -- A report released today by the Tazer Institute concludes that coffee beats education when it comes to helping voters make the right choice. Estimates of its effect ranged from a small regular trumping a community college diploma, to an extra large double-double besting a Ph.D.

Rumours had been circulating since the 2008 federal election, when pundits claimed that the Harper Conservatives' success at the polls was due to their appeal to "the Tim Hortons drinking" segment of the electorate.

Speculation increased late in 2009 when Harper was a no-show at the United Nations, instead touring the Tim Hortons Innovation Centre in Oakville.

Observers sensed something was brewing last week when Quebecor Media launched its Sun News channel, dubbed "Fox News North". Dressed in a $3,000 suit, Quebecor Media vice-president and former CBC pundit and communications director for Stephen Harper, Kory Teneycke, explained, "We will offer the type of raw debate Canadians only find today in coffee shops."

Speaking at a news conference held at the $2 million drive thru specially constructed to host the G8 summit here, a spokesperson for the Institute explained how it had arrived at its findings. "We simply counted the number of Don Cherry bobbleheads in pickup trucks idling in coffee shop drive thrus. The number was highest in Conservative ridings. It was a no brainer, really."

Strangely, the effect was not observed in those who consumed coffee drinks with names ending in "-ino". "They tend to live in cities and take public transit," he explained, "Need I say more?"

A representative of the Canadian Taxcutters Federation confirmed the Tazer Institute findings. When asked what his group's studies had shown, he stated, "We don't need no academic elites doing 'so-called' studies. We know we're right. It's just common sense."

Fox Noise North

Yesterday, Quebecor Media announced that it would be launching a right-wing news channel, Sun News, already being dubbed "Fox News North".

Promising "hard" news during the day, and "straight" talk at night, Quebecor's channel is expected to join other right-wing broadcasters such as CTV, Global, and Rogers, all hoping to grab a piece of the lucrative erectile dysfunction advertising dollar.

Details are still sketchy at this point, but Give Me 500 Words has obtained an outline of Sun News' tentative program lineup:

Liberals Make Me Puke!

Law and Order

Are You Smarter Than a First Grader?

Law and Order

Alberta's Got Talent

Law and Order

The O'Leary & O'Leary Exchange

Law and Order

The Good Wife (Belongs at Home)

Law and Order

Why Don't You Learn English?

Law and Order

Two and a Half Tier Health Care

Law and Order

Support Our Troops -- Or Else!

Law and Order

Cut My Taxes!

One media analyst expressed concern that Canada's supply of exclamation points, never very large, might be depleted by the new channel. Sources at Quebecor, however, assured investors that a steady supply could be imported from the U.S.

"We realize that Conservative voters make up only a third of the electorate," stated a Quebecor spokesperson, "but we feel they will welcome yet another right-wing cheerleader. After all, they need to be screamed at regularly by angry white men in suits if they're going to be able to successfully ignore reality. We only hope to be as respected and financially successful as the National Post."