Show Bev Oda Some Love

Living in Port Perry, I have the great good fortune to be a constituent of International Development Minister Bev Oda.

In case you've never had the pleasure of meeting Bev, let me assure you she's of a sunny disposition, a real salt of the earth, "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" kinda gal. In other words, just like us little folk.

So I was as surprised as anyone at these reports of her turning her nose up at the lowly 5-star hotel where her conference was being held, opting instead for the Savoy, favoured haunt of royalty and owned by a Saudi prince. Apparently, we were still on the hook for $287 for one night at the original hotel, as well as the three nights at the Savoy (at $685 a night) and nearly $3,000 for a limo to drive her back and forth for 3 days.

Like you, I figured this must be all some kind of misunderstanding. Perhaps her original room wasn't ready, or they lost her reservation. Maybe every taxi in London was in for service those three days. You know, the kind of thing we've all encountered while on holiday, the kind of thing that can really blow a hole in the old budget.

Speaking of budgets, we've just seen Stephen Harper's and we know austerity is the watchword of his government: old folks forced to wait 'til 67 to get a pension, food inspectors and border guards being fired, aid to the world's poorest people being slashed.

So I just knew that Bev wouldn't have wasted a nickel of our money; that would be just plain wrong. There had to be some reasonable explanation.

And then it hit me: Bev hasn't been reading my blog.

I can't really blame her. She's a busy person. She has a lot on her plate. Conferences to attend. Expense claims to fill out. And those $380 million in cuts at the Canadian International Development Agency that were in the budget? Well, they aren't gonna cut themselves.

But here's the thing: if Bev had been reading my blog on the first Thursday of each month, she would have known all about where to get the best deals on airfares, hotels, and car rentals. And how to maximize loyalty points and miles.

So whadya say, faithful blog readers, should we help Bev out?

If you'd like to show Bev some love, just copy this link to my latest post on points and miles: http://giveme5hundredwords.blogspot.ca/2012/01/points-and-miles-january.html and email it to Bev at: Oda.B@parl.gc.ca

You'll be doing us all a favour.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Plans for the Pen

The federal government announced yesterday that it was closing the 177-year old Kingston Penitentiary. Dating to 1835, the limestone fortress on the shores of Lake Ontario harkens back to the days of stone cells, the rule of silence, and the lash. And if the government wants to splash out billons on new prisons, closing the Kingston Pen is probably one of the better reasons for doing so.

But the Pen is also a major employer in the eastern Ontario city, and with Stephen Harper's government threatening to slash 20,000 workers from its payroll, prison staff are understandably anxious about their futures. However, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has promised there will be no job cuts, and if you can't believe Vic Toews, well who can you believe?

Still, 500 Words was curious, so I reached out to my sources deep inside the government who spoke on condition of anonymity and here are some of the future uses being considered by the Conservatives for Kingston's "little castle", situated on a scenic four hectares, a stone's throw from downtown.

The Tony Clement Palace of Porcelain. With the addition of a $500 million gazebo-like entrance, the old jail will be transformed into the world's largest (pay) toilet. And thanks to the new "streamlined" environmental approval process, the Peter Kent Big Poop Chute will carry the raw sewage straight to Lake Ontario. Bring the kiddies to see the seagulls flock right after lunch! Destined to become a top attraction.

The Jim Flaherty (Work)Home for the Aged. Concerned that you be won't be able to make ends meet while you wait until 67 to get your Old Age Security? You can stop worrying elderly Canadians! Choose from one of our luxurious NDP or Liberal suites. Rates will be reasonable. And the best part? The government won't have to spend a dime updating or renovating: the Pen is in move-in condition.

The Peter MacKay Four Seasons Vacation Resort. Boasting spectacular views of Lake Ontario, this upscale property offers the ultimate in luxurious relaxation for the busy cabinet minister looking to escape the challenges of basic arithmetic. And with CFB Kingston just across the water, you'll have VIP transportation at your fingertips 24/7.

Other uses under consideration include the Bev Oda Museum of Calligraphy ("not" to be missed), and the Lisa Raitt School of (Hard) Labour Relations (union leaders will find themselves comfortably "accommodated" under the watchful eyes of Queen's University MBA students).

But my sources confide that the Pen will likely be sold. Wal-Mart and Tim Horton's are said to be interested.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Go West, Old Man

Hey there. Yeah, you. Angry old white guy.

Had it up to here with Premier Dad?

Tired of paying a hundred bucks just to put gas in yer SUV?

Sick of supporting a losing hockey team?

Looking for a place you can be free to fondle your firearms in peace?

We feel your pain.

We're Citizens for a Conservative-Free Ontario, and we can help.

We're offering tax-free (the best kind, am I right?) grants of up to $1,000* to those willing to move to Alberta and promise never to return.

Alberta, where they have not one, but two right-wing parties. Where there's no provincial sales tax. Where Earth Hour is only 30 minutes long. Where petroleum literally oozes out of the ground.

OK, so maybe they don't play hockey in April there either, but at least they don't have to stay up as late to watch the Vancouver games.

Does it get any better?

What's in for us you might wonder? Just cleaner air, cheaper gas, more jobs, better government, and fewer women's shelters. Whatcha call a "win-win".

Whadya say, big guy, can I sign ya up?

*Terms and conditions apply. Valid only on April 1.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

The Harper Games

It's an annual ritual: a privileged elite in a distant capital exacts a terrible tribute from the oppressed citizens living in the far-flung districts of the nation. While the pretence of democracy is maintained, the majority seethes with discontent, but any opposition is dealt with harshly and swiftly. Resistance is futile.

Yes, it's the blockbuster everyone's talking about: The Harper Games.

• Tune in to see if Games Master Jim Flaherty can hit a deficit target on his eighth attempt!
  
• Thrill to the spectacle of starving seniors battling it out over tins of cat food in the arena!
  
• Watch in horror as environmental regulations are gutted!
  
• See rivers of blood flow at the CBC!
  
• Witness the axe fall on thousands of civil servants!
  

And every year, some fortunate group is selected for partial exemption from tribute: the buyers of bus passes, skating lessons, or cordless drills are just of few of the past winners. A favoured few may even have the Games Master or Harper himself come to their kitchen and appear on the video screens of the nation. Who will it be this year?

And this just in…

No surprise here really: it looks like the oil companies! Again! Let's hear it for the lucky winners!

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Just Remember, You Read it Here First

Now that the NDP has chosen Thomas Mulcair as its new leader, it won't be long before the Conservatives unleash the full shock and awe of their smear campaign to define him in the vilest terms possible.

Recently 500 Words obtained an inside look at just how the Conservative machine operates. Donning a plaid sportscoat and a "Just Give 'er" ballcap, and clutching a large double-double, I concealed myself among a group of Conservative loyalists being given a tour of party headquarters.

When our hoods were removed, I noticed we appeared to be in a vast, subterranean complex. We were greeted by our tour guide, a cheerful woman, who said her name was Bev. As she led us down a dimly lit corridor, we could hear the distant sounds of rattling chains, painful whimpering, and the occasional anguished cry. "Pay no attention," said Bev, "That's just the weekly caucus meeting." My group nodded in unison.

She led us to a room, marked "The Peter Van Loan Free Speech Institute". Once our eyes adjusted to the darkness, we could see rows of gnome-like creatures hunched over banks of telephones: "Are you aware your Liberal MP is resigning?", "Have you heard the rumour your NDP member is quitting?"

Bev explained that this very room had been ground zero for the free speech campaign to help liberate the people of Irwin Cottler's riding. Several women moaned. A lady from Red Deer fainted and had to be supported by her husband.

Next we were led to the Sun Media Video Centre. "Or as we like to call it, our National Broadcaster," joked Bev. Everyone gave a knowing chuckle. "You've probably seen our latest effort? It wasn't easy finding twenty-year old footage of Bob Rae giggling, but these guys are the best. Take a bow, boys." Several pale geeks rose from their monitors, embarrassed, accompanied by a cloud of Cheetos dust. Our group applauded vigourously. "OK, folks, let's let them get back to work."

"I've saved the best 'til last last," said Bev, as she led us back into the hallway and down to a large conference room marked "Preston Manning Centre for Building Democracy". At the far end sat a group of hollow-eyed twenty-somethings, empty coffee cups and Red Bull cans scattered about.

Bev introduced us, "Got some fine folks here that help pay your salary." She winked. "Can you give us a hint as to what kinda welcome the commie socialists' new boss can expect?" She winked again.

An over-caffeinated woman filled us in: "We've been spit-balling messages based on the NDP's initials; you know 'No Donations Party' or 'Not Dependable Party' – explosive stuff! But we think we're going to go with 'No Depends Party'; it just works on so many emotional levels! We just have to get the nerds down in Sun Centre to come up with some old video of Mulcair farting or scratching his ass! The ads will be ready to go in time for the playoffs! Just have to run them before and after Coach's Corner and the next election is as good as won!"

Around me people were crying, speaking in tongues, and whipping out their cheque books.

****************************************************************************

There's a good reason you haven't heard from me for a while. I've recently become a grandfather for the first time. Welcome to this wonderful, beautiful, crazy world, Tristen. You give me the best reason of all to want to make it a better place.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

It's Their Nature

If you're like me, you too may be puzzled by the Conservatives' latest attack on ordinary Canadians. I'm referring of course to their intention to make us wait until we're 67 to receive Old Age Security.

As we get older, our brains shrink, we spend our evenings watching Law and Order, and we vote Conservative. So there hardly seems to be a lot of electoral upside in compelling millions of wrinklies to labour deeper into their dotage.

But it's unlikely that the Cons would actually alienate many members of their base. Any changes will probably be phased in over a number of years so as to leave anyone currently over 55 unscathed. And raising the OAS eligibility age will hurt mainly poorer Canadians, who tend not to vote Conservative, or vote at all, for that matter.

On the other hand, Human Resources Minister Diane Finley has made a bizarre attempt to frame the move as intended to help younger Canadians: apparently working longer is supposed to make them more self-reliant. Presuming they can ever get jobs that is, what with the fogies hanging in there 'til nearly all their allotted three score and ten is exhausted.

The Cons have had success with wedge issues before, and perhaps they hope to whip up some intergenerational hostility, but punishing younger voters seems like a risky strategy if they want to attract their support.

According to Parliamentary Budget Officer Kevin Page, OAS is affordable as is. And as most economists have pointed out, a few years after any changes were to come into effect, Boomers will start dropping off the twig at such a rate that the cost of providing OAS will begin to decline anyway.

Aesop told a fable about a scorpion who convinced a frog to carry him across a river by promising not to sting the frog, pointing out that if he did, both of them would perish. Halfway across, the scorpion stung the frog anyway. Before they both died, the frog asked the scorpion why he had done such a foolhardy thing. The scorpion replied, "It's my nature."

So if there aren't any votes in it, it hurts both young and old, and it's unnecessary to boot, why are the Conservatives considering such a capricious, mean-spirited, and wrong-headed move? I guess it's just their nature.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Ask Mr. 500 Words

Faithful Blog Reader: Gee, Mr. 500 Words, there sure seems to be a lot of news coming from our government these days, and some of it's got me real confused. Can you help?

Mr. 500 Words: Specify the parameters of your mystification.

FBR: Well, for starters, there's Public Safety Minister Vic Toews. He's been pretty busy the past week and he has me a little worried. He says if we object to Conservative plans to let police snoop on our computers we're on the side of child pornographers, but then he kills off the long gun registry because he says it invades the privacy of law-abiding gun owners. Oh, and he says he's in favour of torture, too.

Mr. 500 Words: First, despite what various ex-wives and mistresses may think, I say Vic is a swell guy and damn good looking, too (I also want to say, in case you're listening, that Mr. 500 Words has a very low pain threshold). See, what you have to understand is that guns don't kill people, computers do. To sum up: rubber fetish, bad; gun fetish, good. Next question.

FBR: Well, then, what about Stephen Harper and Natural Resources Minister Joe Oliver saying environmentalists who oppose the tar sands pipeline through the Rockies are controlled by "foreign special interests"? Aren't most of the oil companies in the tar sands foreign? Isn't the oil going to China, which is a foreign country?

Mr. 500 Words: Environmentalists aren't Conservatives and are therefore child pornographers. You can ask Vic Toews.

FBR: Um, yeah. So, what's with all this talk coming from Harper and Finance Minister Jim Flaherty about making folks wait for their Old Age Pensions until they're 67. That's got me worried.

Mr. 500 Words: You can stop worrying: Stephen Harper and Jim Flaherty will get gold-plated MP pensions worth hundreds of thousands a year as soon as they leave politics and start flying to board meetings in corporate jets. And they'll still probably be only in their 50's.

FBR: That's not what I meant. What about ordinary Canadians? Say the person who loses his job when he's 62 or whose health means he has to stop working before he's 67.

Mr. 500 Words: 60% of these people didn't vote Conservative. So he's probably a child pornographer.

FBR: Well, thanks, Mr. 500 Words. I think.

Mr. 500 Words: No need to thank me. It's what I do.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

News of the Weird

Being a semi-regular compendium of human folly, frailty, and fractiousness

Well, duh

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty announced this week that, contrary to cross my heart and hope to die promises made during last May's election, he won't be able to eliminate the budget deficit by 2014. Seems Jimbo was the last person on Earth to find out about this here "Great Recession" thingee we got goin' on. That means all the pie in sky tax cut promises, contingent on balanced budgets, are out the window too. Fool me once, shame on you; fool me three times…

Pre-Occupied

It's time most of the Occupation forces moved on. Around the world, civic reactionaries are moving in to evict them, and their resistance is threatening to transform the movement into merely a battle over their right to squat in public spaces. I'm not saying the fight is over. On the contrary, we need to recognize that Occupation was a tactic, not a goal. It's time to find new ways to keep up the pressure on the 1%.

Well, Duh, Part II

Speaking of the 1%, Toronto retail consultant Wendy Evans, quoted in the Toronto Star, reports they're doing just fine, thank you. "Luxury is just moving so fast," Evans says. "There's (sic) line-ups at the luxury counters. It's quite remarkable. There's a subset of our population that is just not aware there are some economic hiccups out there."

What Does Penguin Gravy Taste Like?

Buddy and Pedro, the male African penguins at the Toronto Zoo who have formed a same-sex bond, have become international media stars. Despite the global attention for the city's beleaguered zoo, Toronto mayor, Rob Ford, has reportedly refused to visit, saying he always spends Remembrance Day weekend with his family at the cottage. Your correspondent has been unable to confirm reports that Toronto councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has been seen at the Zoo attempting to film Buddy and Pedro with his video camera.

And You Want to be My Latex Salesman

Seinfeld fans might remember the episode wherein the hapless George Costanza crashes to the floor, pants around ankles as he rushes from the bathroom. If you've forgotten, Texas governor Rick Perry, who wants to be president of the United States, will remind you with his debate performance from earlier this week.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

I’ve Decided to Become a Conservative

I've reached a decision: I'm going to become a Conservative.

I've finally realized that all my complaining about, and ridiculing of, Conservatives has gained me nothing but a smug sense of superiority. And what's that worth? Squat. Nada. Bupkis.

Nope, the real money's in being a Conservative.

Just look at the examples of Larry Smith and Fabian Manning. Just because they were Conservatives, they got appointed to the Senate by Stephen Harper. Then they quit to run in the recent election, but lost. The voters may have rejected them, but not Stephen Harper: he put them right back in their Senate seats. Is this a great country (to be a Conservative in) or what?

Josée Verner is extra special. A Harper cabinet minister (that's why you never heard of her before) from Québec City, she lost in the election earlier this month. She received a $117,000 golden parachute to help tide her over, you know, until she could find a new job. Sort of a special EI program they have just for politicians. Anyway, you guessed it, last Wednesday, Josée got one of those Senate seats too. Pays a little over $132,000 a year.

Josée was unemployed for 16 days. I figure she got a little over $7,300 a day while she was out of work. No that's what I'm talkin'about.

See why I've decided to become a Conservative? And not just a regular Conservative, what the hey: I've decided to become a Senator.

I know a lot of you supported me last spring when I threw my hat in the ring to become the next governor-general. I would have gotten the gig too, except I picked a fight with Moses Znaimer. Believe me, you don't want to mess with that guy. He will bury you.

But the qualifications for being a senator are really low – in fact I'm probably over qualified, so I figure I'm a shoo-in this time. So please, tell Stephen Harper what a great Conservative Senator I'd make. And try to sound serious, OK?

OK, You Can Still Worry

In my previous post, I explained why I wasn't as pessimistic as some about the nation's prospects for the next four and half years. I said there were reasons to be hopeful: the Conservatives may prove incompetent in implementing their agenda, things don't always go according to plan, and public opinion can be a powerful brake on a reckless government.

Lest you get the impression I believe there's nothing to be concerned about, let me outline the dangers a Conservative majority government poses for Canada.

Conservative/conservative governments are generally harmful to – and occasionally disastrous for – a nation's finances and for the living standards of its poor, wage earners, and middle class. The U.S. has the examples of Reagan, Bush I, and Bush II. In Canada there's the Mulroney and Harper record deficits, and at the provincial level the governments of Harris in Ontario, Lyon in Manitoba, and Devine in Saskatchewan. Taken all together their budget deficits add up into the trillions (hundreds of billions in Canada), while under their watches, all but the rich saw their incomes stagnate for the last thirty years.

Their tax cuts went mostly to corporations and the wealthy, while cuts to public services battered the rest of us. Meanwhile, government spending continued to rise, the money wasted on swollen military and security budgets, sweetheart "public-private partnerships" and privatizations, consultants and "contractors". Taxation has moved away from progressivity (i.e.: taxing income, at higher rates for the wealthy), placing a greater burden on the poor and wage earners through consumption taxes like the HST and reduced taxes on corporations, the rich, and investors. The Income Tax Act has come to resemble a Swiss cheese, shot full of tax breaks for special interest groups whose support conservatives wished to secure.

During the election campaign, Stephen Harper pledged to continue down this path: buying fighter planes, cutting corporate taxes, proposing tax-saving strategies for wealthy single-earner families, and doubling the amount of investment income that can be sheltered from tax in TFSA's. If implemented, these measures will both worsen the nation's finances (i.e.: increase the deficit) and increase social inequality by further privileging the wealthy.

In effect, like the Americans have been doing, we will be paying taxes and borrowing money to give it to the rich. The long-term consequences for our country will be much the same.

The Conservatives will talk about "cuts" as a way of balancing the budget. Cuts to programs and services have never balanced a budget. If they had, we would have been treated to a long string of Conservative surpluses. Cuts are simply code talk for ideological attacks on people and things Conservatives don't like: the poor, workers, women, natives, immigrants, equality, human rights. Government spends very little on these now; cutting them all wouldn't pay for one fighter plane. But cut they will be, while the billions paid annually in subsidies to oil companies making record profits in the tar sands will be left untouched.

Furthermore, don't expect The Harper Government™ to do anything – at least anything positive – about climate change or other environmental issues, or to restore Canada's tarnished reputation in the global community. But don't expect a frontal assault on public health care, either. The Conservatives can simply let two-tier health care emerge in the provinces by neglecting to enforce the Canada Health Act.

So despite the glimmers of hope, there are still plenty of reasons for pessimism. Consider what Finance Minister Jim Flaherty said in 2006 when presenting his first budget. Asked what he thought Canada would like after five years of a Conservative government, Flaherty replied: "It will look more like Ireland." By 2015, he could be right.

Who’s Afraid of Stephen Harper?

Maybe it's just my naturally sunny disposition, or maybe it's all those good meals I enjoyed in Niagara, but I can't bring myself to feel quite as pessimistic as some of my friends at the prospect of the next four and half years under the iron heel of a Stephen Harper majority government.

It's not that, with the Liberals circling the wagons and firing inward, and the NDP/NPD preoccupied with getting a handle on its new role, I expect we'll be saved by the opposition, at least not for a while.

No, my reasons for optimism that the Conservatives won't get things entirely their way have to do with the nature of the Conservatives themselves and that of their leader, and the differences between navigating a minority parliament and leading a majority government.

The Conservatives' DNA is still very much that of the old Reform-Alliance: outsiders suspicious of government to the point of paranoia, fiercely partisan practitioners of take-no-prisoners politics. While these traits served them well during the campaign, in opposition, and even as a minority government – when clawing for every tactical advantage was the daily cut and thrust – their greatest strengths may be their greatest weaknesses in their new role.

Because it's a different game now, and we'll have to wait and see how well the Conservatives and their leader can adapt to the new one. They must switch from attacking and dividing a fractured opposition that was frightened of triggering an election, to fulfilling the commitments they've made to the people who voted for them in the last four elections.

Managing those expectations won't be easy, because while a socially and economically conservative legislative program will please long-suffering Conservative supporters, it risks angering Canadians who were blissfully ignorant 'til now of Harper's so-called "secret agenda". Move too timidly, and you disappoint your base; move too boldly, and you risk a backlash.

The Conservatives will also have to restrain their attack dog instincts when it comes to the Liberals. There will be some who will want to finish off their old enemies, but it's actually in the Conservatives' best interests to leave the Liberals alone. A Liberal party that continues to attract 15-20% of the vote and wins 30-40 seats – in effect, fills the role left vacant by the NDP – ensures that the NDP can't win the 40% of the popular vote it would need to form the government.

In other words, just because he has a majority, doesn't mean it's clear sailing for Stephen Harper and his party. They will face the usual challenges all governments do, and for the first time in five years, be seen to be clearly in charge, and therefore, be held clearly responsible.

It's not that Harper and his governments have not made some serious mistakes in the past, but faced with an ineffective opposition, they avoided serious damage. Until now, the Conservatives' chief talents have lain in spreading blame and slinging mud, but they'll need a different skill set in order to govern effectively. It remains to be seen whether they possess it.

Born That Way

They can't help themselves.

Conservatives I mean. The media reported recently on a study in the on-line edition of Current Biology that there are differences in the brain structures between those with liberal and those with conservative views.

This isn't the first study to suggest such a difference. Another one a few years ago in the journal Nature Neuroscience reported similar findings.

Seems Lady Gaga was correct: "I'm on the right track baby; I was born this way."

Now I know some of you are thinking, "Being Conservative is just a lifestyle choice. With intensive therapy, they can be changed; they can become moderate, tolerant, sensible, even."

Me, I'm not so sure. Anyway, most of them seem perfectly happy the way they are.

Besides, how do you get through to someone who believes that the poor have too much and the rich have too little?

Or that access to health care should depend on your ability to pay?

Or that higher education should be beyond the reach of all but the offspring of the elites?

Or that billions need to be spent on new jails despite falling crime rates?

Or that "strong leaders" make elections unnecessary?

But if conservatives (and by extension, Conservatives) are "born that way", I guess as a liberal, compassionate, reasonable person I really ought to stop picking on them; it's not their fault.

Actually, just as long as they stick to their own hangouts (boardrooms, donut shops, Coach's Corner), I really don't care. What bothers me is their openly flaunting their Conservativist lifestyle, or forcing it on others.

It's not like they're in the majority or anything.

How Conservative Are You?

Newsflash: turns out that a lot of people who thought they were Conservative really aren't that conservative.

That's one way to look at the reports that many Conservatives who have tried the CBC's Vote Compass have found they actually prefer Liberal or NDP policies.

There have, of course, been cries that the Vote Compass, prepared by a non-partisan group in the Social Sciences Department at the University of Toronto, is a commie CBC plot to pollute the hermetically sealed hearts and minds of the true blue.

I suspect it's more a case that some people with not-entirely-conservative views were persuaded by Conservative attack ads that depicted Michael Ignatieff as the anti-Christ.

Anyway, 500 Words was way ahead of the CBC and the U of T on this one.

Way back last October, we told you how to tell if you were turning into a Conservative.

Then, about six weeks later, we responded to readers who wondered if they were showing symptoms of creeping Conservatism.

And most recently, we explained how to be sure you're not a Conservative.

But with the election on, it seems the Vote Compass has revealed there's still a need for our, ahem, direction, so here are some more ways to tell whether or not you're a Conservative:

• If Jack and Gilles were your friends in 2004, but you don't want Iggy to play with them in 2011, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you have friends who are crooks and liars, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you do security checks on all your houseguests' Facebook friends, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you believe that R.C.M.P. stands for 'R Conservative Meeting Police, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you think that elections are fine for Arabs, but unnecessary for Canadians, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If your edition of Trivial Pursuit has only five questions, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If your shoulders ache from shrugging, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If all of your promises begin, "Maybe someday…", you might be a Conservative.
  
• If you have a license to drive, fly, hunt, fish, trap, and serve alcohol at your stag; and for your car, plane, boat, dog, software, ham radio, and marriage; but there's no way you're getting one for your gun, you might be a Conservative.
  
• If your vision for the future of Canada is more of the same, only worse, you might be a Conservative.
  

Go ahead; take the test. The country you save may be your own.

Tory Torpedoes of Truth are Duds

Conservative supporters should ask for their money back.

I know Harper's people decided to "go rogue" right out of the gate in this campaign, smearing and fear-mongering left, um, centre, and centre; but so far the Tory torpedoes of truth have been duds.

Their latest TV spot, released Thursday, is still fixated on coalitions. This after an entire week when the other parties beat Stephen Harper over the head on the question of his hypocrisy in proposing just such a coalition with the NDP and Bloc when Paul Martin led a minority Liberal government.

Thanks for reminding us.

And then there's the radio spot. I suppose the intent is to make me recoil in horror at the very mention of the name Michael Ignatieff, but the visceral reaction just ain't there. What happens instead is this soundtrack starts up in my head, playing the ad back at itself. For instance:

"Fact: a vote for the Liberals is a vote for Michael Ignatieff." Uh, sure, OK, and let me guess, a vote for the Conservatives is a vote for Stephen Harper? No, no, don't tell me: a vote for the NDP, is a vote for Jack Layton, right? The Greens, just a minute, I know this one, uh, Elizabeth May? Boo-yah! High five!

See what I mean? Just not feeling the fear here, dudes. Not smelling the old blood in the water.

Or, "Michael Ignatieff, he didn't come back for you." Of course not; he doesn't even know me. Anyway, I suppose he came back (oh, about six years ago, now), because he wanted to be the target of personal attacks. Or maybe it was to get into politics. Maybe even become Liberal leader and run for the prime minister's job.

Just like Stephen Harper gave up his job as a mouthpiece for Alberta separatists because of his burning desire to transform the rest of Canada into his version of the American Dream.

I say tomato; you say to-mah-to.

At least Ignatieff had seen the rest of the world. Before he became prime minister, the Albertan from Etobicoke (Rob Ford and Stephen Harper; boy, does Etobicoke have a lot to answer for) hadn't been anywhere else except for a few trips to the U.S. so he could tell American hard-rightists how much Canada sucked.

So I've gotta say I'm a little disappointed. The Conservatives are definitely off their game; Harper is back on his heels. We've come to expect real top-quality nasty from these guys. Where's the stomach-churning vitriol? The puerile fratboy pranks? The bird poop? The making fun of facial paralysis?

Come on, guys; you can do worse. We're all counting on you.

Party Politics

This election driving you to drink? Yeah, me too.

I tried the Coalition Drinking Game the other night. Every time the word "coalition" was mentioned, I took a drink. The last thing I remember, Peter Mansbridge was talking about an airstrike in Libya.

Anyway, I don't think it's fair that the politicians should have all the fun, and burger polls are so 2008, so let's put the party into party politics with Political Cocktails 2011.

For you Conservatives, we have the Jets and Jails Julep. Start with 1½ ounces of Alberta rye whisky (what else). Add a dash of day-old Tim Hortons coffee, black, to give it that bitter edge. In keeping with Stephen Harper's personality, the drink should be neither shaken nor stirred, but served over lots of ice. Makes one minority strength drink. Or try it majority strength: adding 3 more ounces of rye turns it into a Harper Hangover. But, be warned: try it and you'll be sorry.

Or, there's a Liberal libation called the True Grit for those in the mushy middle. You say you're not sure what's in it? Doesn't matter; you can put whatever you like into this drink and change the ingredients to suit your mood and the occasion. Just be sure to use a muddler (you do have a muddler, don't you?), so everything gets thoroughly, well, muddled. Usually served on the rocks.

How about a You Don't Know Jack? Everyone says this one sounds great, but few people are willing to try it. Its fans prefer it straight up.

Available only in Québec, the Bloc Buster is one distinctly differently cocktail. In a tall glass combine 1 ounce pique, 1 ounce insouciance, and a dash of je ne sais crois. Gilles Duceppe finds this one great for washing away the taste of humiliation every time he demands another tanker load of money from the rest of the country.

Green Party supporters can try the May-be Someday. To an ounce of wheat grass juice, add 4 ounces of water from a melting glacier. But since it doesn't contain any alcohol, I don't know why you'd bother.

Our first prime minister, John A. MacDonald was a noted drinker. One evening, while on the campaign trail, an over-refreshed MacDonald threw up on the platform. Responding to his opponent's scornful accusation of drunkenness, MacDonald told the audience, "I get sick sometimes not because of drink or any other cause, except that I am forced to listen to the ranting of my honourable opponent."

I know how he felt.

Why You Hate Politicians

If you aren't already disgusted, or at least slightly disenchanted, with our political leaders after only a few days of Election 2011, you just haven't been paying attention.

The accusations, justifications, oversimplifications, obfuscations, and outright lies are enough to make any sentient being who loves this country despair.

How did we get to this sad point? I have a theory about that (or course). Or rather, I used to have a theory; recently I had to revise and expand it.

For the last few decades there's been a steady drumbeat, generally from the corporate-owned, right wing media, aimed at what I'll call the less sophisticated citizen. Or in their own demographic terms, the Tim Hortons Nation. The message goes like this: all politicians are the same – venal, corrupt, untrustworthy liars concerned only with their own perks and pensions.

This is, in fact, a favourite theme of Conservative politicians. Remember Mike Harris and his Fewer Politicians Act? We were all going to be better served if we elected fewer people to represent us. The Reform Party's disdain for MP's pensions, conveniently forgotten once they got elected, only served to reinforce their own stereotype.

But the corporate and financial elites know this is nonsense. They know politics and politicians matter. They just don't want you to think so. It's simply the law of supply and demand: once you're out of the market, they can get their pet politicians elected and they can buy them on the cheap.

So in time politics comes to be dominated by political waterboys – people whose entire careers have been in the service of the elites (google the resumés of Stephen Harper or Tim Hudak, for examples, though they're far from unique). Ever wonder why the right thing, the good thing, the sensible thing never seems to get done by government? Now you know.

A corollary to my theory is that once politics becomes dominated by these pet poodles, good people, people with a desire for seeing that the public good is served, stay away from politics. The problem continues to get worse.

That, as I say, was my original theory: we've been told politics is a load of crap and politicians are all crooks so that we'll stay away. That way, the elites and their right wing lackeys are allowed free rein. And that's what's happened over the last thirty years.

And with predictable results. Canadians are so estranged from their own public debate that a record low of only 58.8% of voters cast a ballot in the last federal election in 2008. The turnout is expected to be even lower this time. And this constitutes a very grave danger.

We have a prime minister, Stephen Harper, who has not only deliberately degraded the reputation of politics and politicians, but has also demonstrated flagrant contempt for the very principles and institutions of Canadian democracy.

I believe this is a deliberate strategy. Harper knows that Canada is not a conservative nation. His core constituency accounts for little more than a third of voters. But if he can rally his supporters with the kind of divisive issues that appeal to them, while turning off most of the rest of us, he could win a majority of seats in Parliament and accomplish his goal of transforming Canada in his own image.

So my theory boils down to this: If you're disgusted by the state of politics in this country, it's because you're supposed to be. If enough of us stop caring, and stay home on election day, Stephen Harper wins.

Home of the Whopper

Many of you may not know this, but 500 Words enjoys the dubious distinction of being represented in the Canadian House of Commons by that Pinocchio of Parliament, Bev Oda.

Yep, the reality-challenged Minister (for now) of International Cooperation is the sitting member for the riding of Durham, which contains the township of Scugog (a name derived from the native Mississauga language, meaning "place of dirty snow banks"), which in turn nestles in its bosom, the idyllic burg of Port Perry.

True to its small town, Tory Ontario roots, Port Perry has a long tradition of electing Conservatives. And even with Oda's britches blazing brightly, that's not likely to change. Heck, the Conservatives could run an orangutan and it would win in Port Perry.

Now lest you think we're stupid, let me assure you we're not. For example, we may have the unfortunate tendency to vote in overwhelming numbers for politicians who like to slash health care, but we don't mean our health care. We mean somebody else's. Nothing draws a swarm of angry Port Perrians like a meeting about cuts to our local hospital. We get pretty riled if anyone threatens to mess with our schools, recreation facilities (especially ice rinks), or roads budget too. It's just that, like everybody else these days, we expect a tax cut as part of every federal, provincial, and municipal budget. Pretty clever, eh?

And we're certainly not dishonest either (or I suspect no more dishonest than most folks). Judging by the number of churches in town, you might even call us God-fearing. And that's where we part company with our commandment-busting MP.

Turns out this KAIROS organization she blackballed is made up of a bunch of Christian missionaries, for Pete's sake. You can look it up for yourself right here. Anglicans and Catholics and Presbyterians and Christian Reformed and United Church people. Just like we got here in Port Perry, going on missions to countries like Uganda and Honduras. And they're all working together, ecumenical-like, same as when we have the Good Friday walk, or the David Festival, or the World Day of Prayer.

So when our MP decides to bad mouth a bunch of Christian do-gooders and then tries to duck responsibility and lie about it, well it don't go down too well. Stephen Harper may think there's nothing wrong with that, but we know better. We know it's wrong. It's in the commandments, dude.

Still Confused?

Previously, I've described how you could tell if you might be turning into a Conservative (If you like your guns long and your census short, you might be a Conservative). You can diagnose yourself by clicking here and here.

However, I know that, for some of you, the fear persists. So, to reassure you, here are some ways to tell that you're definitely not turning into a Conservative.

• You think it's a bad idea to paint a giant bull's eye on the sides of our air force planes.
  
• You'd rather drive a Ford than vote for one.
  
• You think bullying a church-based human rights organization, falsifying a document to make it look like the recommendation of civil servants, and lying about it to a parliamentary committee makes you unfit to be a cabinet minister.
  
• You think you're safer protesting in Cairo than you are in Toronto.
  
• You've played the Tim Hudak drinking game: every time he says, "Ontario families," you take a drink. You were blotto in fifteen minutes.
  
• You think a secret deal to hand over control of Canada's borders and immigration policy to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is probably a bad deal.
  
• You think that TV and radio stations shouldn't be allowed to broadcast "news" they know is false.
  
• You think, "If we build it, they will come," is not a good enough reason to spend nearly $10 billion on new prisons.
  
• You live in Toronto and you'd rather ride the bus than throw people under it.
  
• You live in Toronto and you wish you could vote in Calgary.
  
• You can think in sentences, not just bumper stickers.
  
• You own a pink bicycle. Extra points if it has plaid fenders.
  
• You admit you read the Toronto Star and watch the CBC.
  

There must be others. Send me you suggestions. I'll publish them.

Valentine’s Day

It's Valentine's Day, a day to celebrate love in its many forms. A day for hugs and kisses, hearts and flowers, wine and chocolate.

Here at 500 Words World Headquarters, we're big believers in the holiday. And since the old song says, "What the world needs now is love, sweet love," we'd like to offer Valentine's Day wishes for "love, sweet love" where we think there's "just too little of" it.

To Bob and Doug, the hoser twins running Hogtown: make love, not war, on your city. Stop viewing Toronto as a speedbump on the road to your favourite steakhouse in Mississauga. C'mon guys, get outa the car: walk around Kensington Market, take in a play, visit the ROM or the AGO, ride the Rocket, sit on a patio.

To taxpayers: we wish you'd fall in love with the idea of being citizens. Stop expecting your taxes to constantly go down while whining that infrastructure is falling apart, services are declining, and politicians are all liars. Start paying attention. Vote. Need a role model? Look at the Middle East.

To politicians: show us some love. Start talking to us in sentences instead of bumper stickers. The problems are hard; the solutions can't be that simple.

To Conservative MP Steven Blaney: we hope you'll be a bit more loving. The Québec City-area MP wants to require veiled Muslim women to remove their face coverings before voting. We're happy to report he's not trying to force them to remove their veils before they vote by mail.

To Québec: we still love you, but hey, how about some amour for Sikhs? Québec's National Assembly recently passed (unanimously) a motion banning Sikhs from entering while carrying their kirpans, a ceremonial dagger. And now the Bloc Québécois says it wants to see the same rule apply on Parliament Hill, where a Liberal MP from Ontario, Navdeep Bains (Mississauga-Brampton South) wears a kirpan.

To America: thanks for loving us. Seems the most recent Gallup World Affairs poll found that Americans view Canada more favourably than any other country in the world. We know you love our Bieber, but what aboot our health care?

To Ontario Conservative Leader Tim "Mini-Mike" Hudak: thanks, but no thanks. You've had commitment issues with your platform for eighteen months. Then, finally, this week you promise buck-a-bottle beer? We've gotten drunk and let you have your way with us before. All we were left with were the hangover and the bitter regret. It's not even good beer.

To Stephen Harper, couldn't you at least fake it? Loving democracy, I mean. When word broke that the Egyptian people had chased Mubarak from office, you (who shut down Parliament, twice) passionately embraced the moment: "I think the old expression is: 'They're not going to put the toothpaste back in the tube on this one.'" Then your government rolled over and went to sleep.

To you, my readers: I hope that on Valentine's Day, you love and are loved.

Don’t be Alarmed

Judging by the response to my post of October 16, many of you are concerned that you might be turning into Conservatives. As I pointed out, this is a potentially serious condition that can result in hardening of the arteries leading to the brain, so you shouldn't ignore the warning signs. But neither do I want you to become unnecessarily alarmed: after all, if you're reading this blog, you've already taken the first step on the road to good mental health.

But just in case you require more reassurance, I thought I'd provide the answers to some frequently asked questions sent to me by faithful blog readers.

Q: My forehead is getting bigger. Is that a sign I'm turning into a Conservative?

A: That depends. You might be thinking more, resulting in your brain growing larger. In which case, you're fine. But if your forehead is swollen because you keep smacking it and saying, "D'oh!" you might be turning into a Conservative.

Q: I'm planning a European vacation for next summer and don't want people to mistake me for an American. What should I do?

A: Sew a Portuguese flag patch on your backpack.

Q: I like to watch Hockey Night in Canada. I take all the usual precautions during Coach's Corner: I mute the volume and wear welder's goggles, but still I'm worried I might turn into a Conservative.

A: If you're watching the Leafs, I can't help you.

Q: The Conservatives say they'll cut taxes, but not services, and eliminate the deficit too. This sounds pretty good to me.

A: Run, don't walk, to your nearest elementary school and enrol in a remedial Grade 1 arithmetic class.

Q: Tim Hudak was for the HST before Dalton McGuinty enacted it. Now he's against it, but won't scrap it if he becomes premier. I'm confused.

A: So is Tim Hudak.

Q: I don't see what's so bad about shutting down Parliament, or using the unelected Senate to override decisions of elected MP's. Does that make me a Conservative?

A: Either a Conservative or an ayatollah.

Q: Thank you Mr. 5oo Words for helping keep us safe from creeping Conservatism.

A: No need to thank me; I'm merely performing a public service.