Plans for the Pen

The federal government announced yesterday that it was closing the 177-year old Kingston Penitentiary. Dating to 1835, the limestone fortress on the shores of Lake Ontario harkens back to the days of stone cells, the rule of silence, and the lash. And if the government wants to splash out billons on new prisons, closing the Kingston Pen is probably one of the better reasons for doing so.

But the Pen is also a major employer in the eastern Ontario city, and with Stephen Harper's government threatening to slash 20,000 workers from its payroll, prison staff are understandably anxious about their futures. However, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has promised there will be no job cuts, and if you can't believe Vic Toews, well who can you believe?

Still, 500 Words was curious, so I reached out to my sources deep inside the government who spoke on condition of anonymity and here are some of the future uses being considered by the Conservatives for Kingston's "little castle", situated on a scenic four hectares, a stone's throw from downtown.

The Tony Clement Palace of Porcelain. With the addition of a $500 million gazebo-like entrance, the old jail will be transformed into the world's largest (pay) toilet. And thanks to the new "streamlined" environmental approval process, the Peter Kent Big Poop Chute will carry the raw sewage straight to Lake Ontario. Bring the kiddies to see the seagulls flock right after lunch! Destined to become a top attraction.

The Jim Flaherty (Work)Home for the Aged. Concerned that you be won't be able to make ends meet while you wait until 67 to get your Old Age Security? You can stop worrying elderly Canadians! Choose from one of our luxurious NDP or Liberal suites. Rates will be reasonable. And the best part? The government won't have to spend a dime updating or renovating: the Pen is in move-in condition.

The Peter MacKay Four Seasons Vacation Resort. Boasting spectacular views of Lake Ontario, this upscale property offers the ultimate in luxurious relaxation for the busy cabinet minister looking to escape the challenges of basic arithmetic. And with CFB Kingston just across the water, you'll have VIP transportation at your fingertips 24/7.

Other uses under consideration include the Bev Oda Museum of Calligraphy ("not" to be missed), and the Lisa Raitt School of (Hard) Labour Relations (union leaders will find themselves comfortably "accommodated" under the watchful eyes of Queen's University MBA students).

But my sources confide that the Pen will likely be sold. Wal-Mart and Tim Horton's are said to be interested.

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The Power of One

Ever wanted to be supreme benevolent dictator of Canada? To have your every whim catered to, your every mood indulged? To impose your beliefs and values on the unwilling majority? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women? Bwahahaha!

Yeah, me too. Anyway, apparently now you, too, can know what it feels like to be Stephen Harper. Sort of.

This past week, federal Industry Minister Tony (Census Slayer) Clement stuck to his (long) guns and maintained that even one dissenting Canadian was enough to kill the long form census.

Yep: angry Agnes Grumbledrawers of Lower Moose Doot, Manitoba was responsible for killing the long form census.

Makes you wonder who was behind the attempt to get rid of the long gun registry. (I'm sensing a pattern here)

You understand the implications don't you? This means that from coast to coast to coast, all through the length and breadth of this great land, not a single, solitary Canadian objects to paying federal income tax. What a nation of selfless troupers! Makes me proud. I shed a tear. But I digress.

No, the real implication here is that you and I too, can deep-six laws and programs we don't like. Just call Tony; he'll get right on it. Talk about democracy in action.

Peeved at the Post Office? Cursing the Coast Guard? Fed up with Fisheries and Oceans? Tell Tony; they'll be gone. Just. Like. That.

Unfortunately, it doesn't work in reverse: you can't just call Tony and ask for something you want. Tony ain't Santa. There are limits, even to Tony's superpowers. He might be able to make gazebos sprout like mushrooms all across Muskoka for the G8 meeting, but he can't actually deliver anything substantial. Want a national pharmacare or eldercare program? Sorry, no. How about decent treatment for wounded veterans? Uh-uh. Action on climate change? Dream on.

All you cranky old gals and grumpy old men out there (I know you secretly read this blog), I know why you love the Conservatives: they aren't just the party of "no"; they're the party of, "HELL NO!" So here's your chance. Just click on this link to send Tony your request.

What about me, you ask. Well, you might be surprised. Me, I'm going to ask Tony to zip it. I figure if those separatist fellas in Quebec get wind of this, we'll be looking at another referendum by Christmas. And this time it won't take a Yes vote of 50% plus 1. Just the 1.