Show Bev Oda Some Love

Living in Port Perry, I have the great good fortune to be a constituent of International Development Minister Bev Oda.

In case you've never had the pleasure of meeting Bev, let me assure you she's of a sunny disposition, a real salt of the earth, "raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens" kinda gal. In other words, just like us little folk.

So I was as surprised as anyone at these reports of her turning her nose up at the lowly 5-star hotel where her conference was being held, opting instead for the Savoy, favoured haunt of royalty and owned by a Saudi prince. Apparently, we were still on the hook for $287 for one night at the original hotel, as well as the three nights at the Savoy (at $685 a night) and nearly $3,000 for a limo to drive her back and forth for 3 days.

Like you, I figured this must be all some kind of misunderstanding. Perhaps her original room wasn't ready, or they lost her reservation. Maybe every taxi in London was in for service those three days. You know, the kind of thing we've all encountered while on holiday, the kind of thing that can really blow a hole in the old budget.

Speaking of budgets, we've just seen Stephen Harper's and we know austerity is the watchword of his government: old folks forced to wait 'til 67 to get a pension, food inspectors and border guards being fired, aid to the world's poorest people being slashed.

So I just knew that Bev wouldn't have wasted a nickel of our money; that would be just plain wrong. There had to be some reasonable explanation.

And then it hit me: Bev hasn't been reading my blog.

I can't really blame her. She's a busy person. She has a lot on her plate. Conferences to attend. Expense claims to fill out. And those $380 million in cuts at the Canadian International Development Agency that were in the budget? Well, they aren't gonna cut themselves.

But here's the thing: if Bev had been reading my blog on the first Thursday of each month, she would have known all about where to get the best deals on airfares, hotels, and car rentals. And how to maximize loyalty points and miles.

So whadya say, faithful blog readers, should we help Bev out?

If you'd like to show Bev some love, just copy this link to my latest post on points and miles: http://giveme5hundredwords.blogspot.ca/2012/01/points-and-miles-january.html and email it to Bev at: Oda.B@parl.gc.ca

You'll be doing us all a favour.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Plans for the Pen

The federal government announced yesterday that it was closing the 177-year old Kingston Penitentiary. Dating to 1835, the limestone fortress on the shores of Lake Ontario harkens back to the days of stone cells, the rule of silence, and the lash. And if the government wants to splash out billons on new prisons, closing the Kingston Pen is probably one of the better reasons for doing so.

But the Pen is also a major employer in the eastern Ontario city, and with Stephen Harper's government threatening to slash 20,000 workers from its payroll, prison staff are understandably anxious about their futures. However, Public Safety Minister Vic Toews has promised there will be no job cuts, and if you can't believe Vic Toews, well who can you believe?

Still, 500 Words was curious, so I reached out to my sources deep inside the government who spoke on condition of anonymity and here are some of the future uses being considered by the Conservatives for Kingston's "little castle", situated on a scenic four hectares, a stone's throw from downtown.

The Tony Clement Palace of Porcelain. With the addition of a $500 million gazebo-like entrance, the old jail will be transformed into the world's largest (pay) toilet. And thanks to the new "streamlined" environmental approval process, the Peter Kent Big Poop Chute will carry the raw sewage straight to Lake Ontario. Bring the kiddies to see the seagulls flock right after lunch! Destined to become a top attraction.

The Jim Flaherty (Work)Home for the Aged. Concerned that you be won't be able to make ends meet while you wait until 67 to get your Old Age Security? You can stop worrying elderly Canadians! Choose from one of our luxurious NDP or Liberal suites. Rates will be reasonable. And the best part? The government won't have to spend a dime updating or renovating: the Pen is in move-in condition.

The Peter MacKay Four Seasons Vacation Resort. Boasting spectacular views of Lake Ontario, this upscale property offers the ultimate in luxurious relaxation for the busy cabinet minister looking to escape the challenges of basic arithmetic. And with CFB Kingston just across the water, you'll have VIP transportation at your fingertips 24/7.

Other uses under consideration include the Bev Oda Museum of Calligraphy ("not" to be missed), and the Lisa Raitt School of (Hard) Labour Relations (union leaders will find themselves comfortably "accommodated" under the watchful eyes of Queen's University MBA students).

But my sources confide that the Pen will likely be sold. Wal-Mart and Tim Horton's are said to be interested.

Follow me on Twitter: @AeneasLane

Home of the Whopper

Many of you may not know this, but 500 Words enjoys the dubious distinction of being represented in the Canadian House of Commons by that Pinocchio of Parliament, Bev Oda.

Yep, the reality-challenged Minister (for now) of International Cooperation is the sitting member for the riding of Durham, which contains the township of Scugog (a name derived from the native Mississauga language, meaning "place of dirty snow banks"), which in turn nestles in its bosom, the idyllic burg of Port Perry.

True to its small town, Tory Ontario roots, Port Perry has a long tradition of electing Conservatives. And even with Oda's britches blazing brightly, that's not likely to change. Heck, the Conservatives could run an orangutan and it would win in Port Perry.

Now lest you think we're stupid, let me assure you we're not. For example, we may have the unfortunate tendency to vote in overwhelming numbers for politicians who like to slash health care, but we don't mean our health care. We mean somebody else's. Nothing draws a swarm of angry Port Perrians like a meeting about cuts to our local hospital. We get pretty riled if anyone threatens to mess with our schools, recreation facilities (especially ice rinks), or roads budget too. It's just that, like everybody else these days, we expect a tax cut as part of every federal, provincial, and municipal budget. Pretty clever, eh?

And we're certainly not dishonest either (or I suspect no more dishonest than most folks). Judging by the number of churches in town, you might even call us God-fearing. And that's where we part company with our commandment-busting MP.

Turns out this KAIROS organization she blackballed is made up of a bunch of Christian missionaries, for Pete's sake. You can look it up for yourself right here. Anglicans and Catholics and Presbyterians and Christian Reformed and United Church people. Just like we got here in Port Perry, going on missions to countries like Uganda and Honduras. And they're all working together, ecumenical-like, same as when we have the Good Friday walk, or the David Festival, or the World Day of Prayer.

So when our MP decides to bad mouth a bunch of Christian do-gooders and then tries to duck responsibility and lie about it, well it don't go down too well. Stephen Harper may think there's nothing wrong with that, but we know better. We know it's wrong. It's in the commandments, dude.

Still Confused?

Previously, I've described how you could tell if you might be turning into a Conservative (If you like your guns long and your census short, you might be a Conservative). You can diagnose yourself by clicking here and here.

However, I know that, for some of you, the fear persists. So, to reassure you, here are some ways to tell that you're definitely not turning into a Conservative.

• You think it's a bad idea to paint a giant bull's eye on the sides of our air force planes.
  
• You'd rather drive a Ford than vote for one.
  
• You think bullying a church-based human rights organization, falsifying a document to make it look like the recommendation of civil servants, and lying about it to a parliamentary committee makes you unfit to be a cabinet minister.
  
• You think you're safer protesting in Cairo than you are in Toronto.
  
• You've played the Tim Hudak drinking game: every time he says, "Ontario families," you take a drink. You were blotto in fifteen minutes.
  
• You think a secret deal to hand over control of Canada's borders and immigration policy to the U.S. Department of Homeland Security is probably a bad deal.
  
• You think that TV and radio stations shouldn't be allowed to broadcast "news" they know is false.
  
• You think, "If we build it, they will come," is not a good enough reason to spend nearly $10 billion on new prisons.
  
• You live in Toronto and you'd rather ride the bus than throw people under it.
  
• You live in Toronto and you wish you could vote in Calgary.
  
• You can think in sentences, not just bumper stickers.
  
• You own a pink bicycle. Extra points if it has plaid fenders.
  
• You admit you read the Toronto Star and watch the CBC.
  

There must be others. Send me you suggestions. I'll publish them.