Census Nonsense

Who'da thought the country would get all worked up over the census? And in the middle of the summer, too.

Every five years, we have a national census. Most of us fill out a short form. About one in five of us is selected at random to complete a longer, more detailed version. The Harper government wants to make filling out the longer version voluntary. So what's the big deal?

Think of the country as a classroom. If you want to know whether or not the class understands, say the Pythagorean Theorem, you have to give the test to everybody. Just asking the keeners who put their hands up won't give you an accurate picture. Same for the census.

If you make filling out the longer version voluntary, the kind of people who'll do so won't form a representative sample of the country as a whole. In fact, they'll be a certain kind of person; same for those who won't (insert stereotypes here).

And the data you collect not only won't be reliable, it also won't be directly comparable to the data gathered from all the previous censuses. And did I mention all this voluntariness costs $30 million dollars more than doing it the usual way?

So why are the Tories doing this? Good question.

Forget all the nonsense about going to jail for refusing to fill out the long-form. No one ever has. And anyway, if the government wants to get rid of that provision in the legislation, they can; I'm sure no one would object. This is what's called "changing the channel" in political circles.

The Tories themselves have given an ideological reason: some people don't like giving information to the government. They haven't provided any data to back up this assertion and it sounds like they bought it ready-made off a Tea Party website. Anyway, they haven't said we won't have to tell the government how much money we made come tax time, or whether we've had anything to drink tonight when we get pulled over in a R.I.D.E. spot check, so that's just another red herring.

Many people suspect the real reason is, in fact, ideological though: the census reveals inconvenient truths that don't agree with the Tories' fantasy view of the world. Stockwell Day's recent musings about the need to build prisons for the perpetrators of unreported crimes provides a good example. Statistics show crime rates are falling, but if the Tories want to build prisons, that's embarrassing. Critics suspect the Tories would like to wish homelessness, poverty, inequality, and a host of other social issues away. It'll be easier if there's no census data available to contradict them.

Good public policy, not to mention sound business decisions, requires accurate information, not wishful thinking. That's why the Tories have encountered opposition over their action not just from provincial and municipal governments, but also from not-for-profits and businesses. It's a tough world out there; Canada can't afford to fight blindfolded with one hand tied behind its back. That's why this latest boneheaded move by the Harper Conservatives matters.

The Return of the Wetsuit

Seems the wetsuit was hanging right there in the closet all along. And this week it stepped out, loud and proud.

Undeterred by decades of falling crime rates ("Statistics: we don't need no stinking statistics"), Treasury Board Secretary Stockwell Day announced the deficit-strapped federal government was spending $9.5 billion -- that's with a "b" -- on new prisons for -- wait for it -- imaginary prisoners!

Seems he believes a lot of crimes go unreported (he's probably right, especially if stupidity in elected officials is a crime), but he declined to elaborate on how the theoretical criminals would be apprehended and convicted so they could be put in the brand, spanking new fantasy Club Feds.

Seems to me Stock could be on to something though. I mean, the original price tag for the G8/20 summit ballooned from $179 million to $1.2 billion (there's that "b" word again), and what happened? The hooligans were given free rein to burn police cars while the police arrested hundreds of innocent people and then released them without charge.

So if the Conservatives are looking for ways to waste a few more billions of our tax dollars, I have some helpful suggestions.

1. Not just crime is down: so are auto sales. So let's build roads! We could call them Harper Highways: they'd have only right lanes, all their bridges would be burned, and every one would be a dead-end.

2. Communism may be dead, but there's still Cuba and North Korea and that pesky Al Qaeda to worry about. We could blow $16 billion (I know) on new fighter jets. That ought to deter them. What? We're already doing that? Damn, you can't even make this stuff up.

3. OK, I got a good one: how about we gut next year's census so the information is totally worthless, and -- this is the best part -- it will actually cost $30 million more! You're kidding. This is harder than I thought.

4. I know, we'll build an artificial lake, see, and... Oh, for cryin' out loud!

5. All right then, how about this: a national program to detect and treat scurvy. You know, that scourge of all true Canadians; it's right there in the history books. You can look it up. A few billion ought to suffice to establish a national network of treatment centres to feed patients a diet rich in Alberta beef. Unnecessary? Won't work, you say? Obviously you're not a Conservative. Medical science (and all other science) be damned; trust your gut. Stephen Harper told us to.

I'm sure you have ideas of your own. Write or email the P.M. or your M.P. Tell them you'd like to get in on the fun.